Romney Inc.

By Will Durst

No. It’s not over. Well, okay, it’s kind of over. But the Republican nomination is not totally-otally over. As it very well should be. How over? So over, the fat lady not only sang, she should be back in her hotel room kicking off her shoes easing into a recliner with the remote in one hand and digging deep into a three-pound box of marzipan with the other. Yes, that over.

Could have nailed this puppy to the headboard a month ago, but after every sledgehammer-type primary door slam, Team Romney somehow manages to stumble in bright media glare on dead-flat asphalt, ripping knees out of focus group-approved, perfectly faded jeans, to lay bleeding on the tarmac.

First it was “likes to be able to fire people,” then “not concerned about the very poor.” Yeah, we kind of knew that. But now all those allusions to the front runner being a distant android or impassive cyborg or corporatized zombie have been shelved because one of his own staffers offered up a more perfect crystallization: the “Etch-A-Sketch” candidate. The major difference being the child’s toy works via magnetism, a concept that continues to elude the former Governor of Massachusetts.

Hard to imagine a worse, more apt analogy. Gumby, perhaps. Yo-Yo Man. Slip and Slide. Speak and Spell. Silly String. Chutes and Ladders. Mister Potato Head. No, wait. That’s Newt. Funny thing is, Bain Capital owns Toys R Us, so Mitt will actually make money off his opponents’ frenzied press-conference accessorizings. Never let a little thing like fraudulence get in the way of profit, eh Mitt? Truly, you are a malleably nimble free-marketeer.

Due to his chronic electile dysfunctionalism, Romney must accept responsibility for imbuing this race with its semblance of contest. In Fits and Spurts, and other proud Southern states. Every time a new contender pops up, however, the Super PAC country club types at Romney Inc. immediately conspire to pummel Candidate X with such a tsunami of negative ads that before long, Candidate X’s own family harbors misgivings about lunching with the kids. “If uncle touches you in a bad place, use the whistle.”

Outspent 11 to 1 in Florida, Newt Gingrich provided the initial target of a patented Romney Inc. Airwave Carpet-Bombing. Now, fast forward, first to Michigan, and again to Illinois, with the victim named Rick Santorum; who continues to ooze from self-inflicted palm wounds, vainly praying that devout outrage can surmount pockets deeper than the Mariana Trench.

Mitt hasn’t lost this nomination. Yet. But neither is he winning. His Super PAC is buying it for him like a dented TV console at an Everything For A Dollar Store year-end sale. This is all about money. Recent election results and pure motivation of his cadre of corporate cronies. Romney Inc. realizes fortunes can be exponentially multiplied if the government gets out of the taxation and regulation business. So, that’s the plan, man.

And, as we all know, it takes money to make money. Money talks and other stuff walks. Money makes the world go round, and maybe money can’t buy you happiness, but it looks more and more like it can buy Romney Inc. top slot on the 2012 Republican presidential ticket. And once that happens, the Etch A Sketch will be turned over and severely shaken with a dizzy base profoundly unstirred.

Will Durst will appear at the Acme Comedy Club, Minneapolis, March 28-31.

Will Durst
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