The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Late Senator John McCain

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews the late Senator John McCain through the magic of a heavenly hologram.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, live from heaven my guest is Arizona Senator John McCain.

Senator John McCain by DonkeyHotey
The late Senator John McCain. Graphic by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN

Don’t talk to me until I have my caffeine fix. Yesterday, I crashed into a cloud with my first set of angel wings. Damn, should have taken flying lessons.

JERRY

Tell me when to start the interview, Senator.

MCCAIN

You can continue, Tumbleweed.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

JERRY

You graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy in 1958. You’re a trained pilot.

MCCAIN

Aside from the fact I crashed a few planes. Yes.

JERRY

Speaking of planes. What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

MCCAIN

I don’t know.

JERRY

Pilot error.

MCCAIN

That’s a joke?

JERRY

(sarcastic) No. It’s in the flying manual.

MCCAIN

Must have missed it. Too busy dress shopping for my girlfriend Senator Lindsey Graham.

JERRY

You broke records in politics. A U.S. Congressman for 5 years, a U.S. Senator for 31 years, and the dumbest running mate in presidential history Sarah Palin.

MCCAIN

Sarah was disappointed in the 2008 presidential election, because there wasn’t a swimsuit and talent competition. But she got over it when President Obama thanked her for becoming president.

MCCAIN

Hey, Duncan. What did Osama bin Laden’s ghost say to Mitt Romney?

JERRY

Are you Beaver Cleaver’s dad?

MCCAIN

Don’t be sad. Obama’s foreign policy killed me, too.

JERRY

(laughs) Ba ha, ba ha ha.

MCCAIN

I’m doing stand up at Heaven’s Gate Comedy Club. My Trump jokes are the rage. On a serious note, if man baby Trump is going to have any chance of winning in 2020, Putin is going to have to work overtime.

JERRY

Hold that thought. Here to defend himself is the Trumpster himself.

Trump sits uncomfortably on the chair. A loud boom is heard.

TRUMP

I didn’t fart, Duncan. My intestines just blew you a kiss.

JERRY

I would make a fart remark, but I’m afraid it would stink.

MCCAIN

Enough with the kibitzing, I want to talk to the jerk.

TRUMP

Be nice, McCain. After you died, I paid for your funeral. Never got a thank you.

MCCAIN

You draft dodging, narcisstic egomaniac. You’re jealous because I was a war hero.

TRUMP

I like people who weren’t captured.

MCCAIN

But I was tortured in the Hanoi Hilton for 6 years.

TRUMP

You should have stayed at a Marriott. Lots of perks, lots of perks.

JERRY

Senator McCain. I understand you’ve seen the unredacted Mueller Report. How does it look for the Trumpster?

MCCAIN

Being a ghost, I’m transparent. There was no collusion with the Russians, but obstruction from the president himself. And the entire Trump family.

TRUMP

Fake news. No collusion, no obstruction.

MCCAIN

I have your Deutsche bank records and tax returns. You don’t have a pot to piss in, fella.

JERRY

What are you going to do about it, Senator?

MCCAIN

I’m glad you asked, Duncan. I know a thing or two about torture. I’m going to haunt the Trumpster for the rest of his life. He will find me in his closet when he opens it up. A big BOO will greet him. The toilet will flush all night so he can’t sleep. He’ll find spiders in his shoes and a black cat will run across his bed at night. I’m so excited! This is the best thing that’s happpened since I voted to keep Obamacare.

JERRY

What do you think, Trumpster? Trumpster?

The door slams.

JERRY

He’s gone. What happened?

MCCAIN

Trump is scared of his shadow that I just cast. It’s chasing him. Happy Trumpoween!

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.