The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Senator Lindsey Graham

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Lindsey Graham

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the Senator from the great state of South Carolina Lindsey Graham. Good morning Senator.

Lindsey Graham donkeyhotey
Senator Lindsey Graham. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM

You know I was thinking of something while driving over here.

JERRY

What?

GRAHAM

If I’m against torture, what the hell am I doing on this show?

JERRY

Lindsey cracked a funny. Ha, ha. Let’s get down to business Pillsbury Doughboy. Why are you wearing a tuxedo?

GRAHAM

I’m a finalist on The Bachelor. It’s the senior edition called Bachelor in Leisure World. The challenge of this show is getting the women out of bed, not in it.

JERRY

Fancy schmancy duds. A Ralph Kramden.

GRAHAM

No you idiot. It’s a Ralph Lauren.

JERRY

Suggestion. Lose the combat boots. Let’s see, you’ve been in Congress since 1995. First in the House until 2003, then elected to the Senate. What are some of your accomplishments?

GRAHAM

I work well with my colleagues on both sides of the aisle. I’ve been an advocate for finance reform, global warming, tax reform, a ban on waterboarding, immigration reform and ripping apart Ted Cruz.

JERRY

You’re a straight arrow. In 1997, you took part in a coup against House Speaker Newt Gingrich for ethics violations.

GRAHAM

Do you know what the Newtster did?

JERRY

Cheated on two wives? Wore a Confederate soldier uniform to work?

GRAHAM

Beside all that. Gingrich claimed tax-exempt status for a college class he taught and got paid. It was supposed to be non-partisan. But guess what?

JERRY

That’s what. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

GRAHAM

It was partisan. He knocked high school students that couldn’t read, girls having babies in their teens and more.

JERRY

Those folks are my peeps.

GRAHAM

He resigned. Thank you very much.

JERRY

You ran against Trump in the presidential primary in 2016.

GRAHAM

Yep. It didn’t go down well. Trump was out for cheap laughs and humiliated the competition. The Marco Rubio shtick with his small hands was disgusting. Claiming my pal John McCain was not a war hero troubling. He called me weak? Why I can juggle Kim and Putin on my nuts. Trump can’t put two words together.

JERRY

Didn’t the Donald give out your cell phone number at a rally?

GRAHAM

I fooled him anticipating he might pull a stunt like that. The number is for Amazon. That’s how I get my burgers and pizza delivered.

JERRY

But Senator Lindsey Graham, you knuckleheads in Congress won’t give up on Repeal and Replace Obamacare. What’s the point?

GRAHAM

I want real health care reform. In other words, nobody gets health insurance. Look, we can use those government subsidies to give tax cuts to the rich. They are the job creators.

JERRY

Hold on there slick. The jobs are being taken over by robots. There’s downsizing at companies. CEO’s and stockholders are the only ones making a pile of cash.

GRAHAM

They’re my peeps. You got yours and I got mine. Na na na na naa.

JERRY

A 63-year old man still single. There’s rumors.

GRAHAM

No. The plumbing works. I date girls in secret. We put sheets over our heads and go places incognito. A couple of months ago my date and I were arrested for loitering in front of a Halloween store. But I did have a serious relationship with a stewardess from Berlin.

JERRY

Really?

GRAHAM

Yeah. Sadly it ended when she started goose stepping on our walks. It’s a shame because I look great in Lederhosen.

JERRY

What doe the future hold?

GRAHAM

I’ll be doing a one man Ted Cruz show called Cruzin. Audiences can relive Mr. Mean with such classics as the time he shut down the government that cost taxpayers nearly $23 million, when he went ballistics during the 2016 presidential campaign after Trump said his dad was part of the Kennedy assassination plot, likened elected officials who didn’t vote to defund the Affordable Care Act to Nazis, and who can forget when Cruz said global warming alarmists are the equivalent of the flat-Earthers. At the end of the show, former House Speaker John Boehner makes a cameo appearance with his famous quote” I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”

JERRY

I’ll buy ten tickets. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.
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