The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews ‘The Trump Rascals’

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews The Trump Rascals, a result of a trick by magician David Copperfield.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today, I’m pleased to announce that magician David Copperfield turned Donald Trump and his Cabinet into The Little Rascals. Only these Trump Rascals aren’t endearing.

trump rascalsJERRY

Good morning, President Alfalfa.

ALFALFA TRUMP

Ms. Crabtree is a ten. She’s hot, she’s hot.

JERRY

Is there an echo in the room or are you a mental patient?

SPANKY PENCE

No. President Alfalfa repeats everything twice, because he can’t remember what he said the first time.

ALFALFA

Tell Darla that I want her in my office at once.

SPANKY

But Mr. President, I can’t be in the room alone with a woman. I made a pact with my wife.

JERRY

Veep, you were turned into a kid. You’re now president of the Hee-Man Woman Haters Club.

SPANKY

Are there any rules?

ALFALFA

Have you been out to lunch for two years? This White House doesn’t follow rules. I pull them out of my ass as we go along.

SPANKY

Thank you for reminding me, Fearless Leader.

BUCKWHEAT CARSON

President Alpalpa. I’m in charge of Housing and Urban Bedelopment. What do that do?

ALFALFA

I don’t know. Ask Duncan.

BUCKWHEAT

Mr. Donuts. What my job?

JERRY

It’s Duncan, you idiot. Your job is to build affordable housing for low income families.

BUCKWHEAT

Can I build a tree house?

JERRY

If trees could kill you, they wood. Now get out of here.

BUCKWHEAT

Okie dokie, Mr. Bumpkin.

DARLA CONWAY

You sent for me, President Alfalfa?

ALFALFA

I really wanted Miss Crabtree, but she’s dating her first cousin. Very bad, very bad.

DARLA

I’m prettier than her. Did you know I’ve been doing beauty pageants since I was sixteen?

ALFALFA

But you’re only nine.

DARLA

Omg! I can’t go to the prom with Chubby.

JERRY

President Alfalfa. The Special Counsel has a 448 page indictment that you violated the rules of the Hee Man Woman Haters Club.

Chubby bursts into the studio.

CHUBBY BARR

The Special Counsel’s Report found no collusion or obstruction. For Haters and radical ten year olds, game over!

BUCKWHEAT

Chubby is a liar. I saw him swallow da ebidence.

JERRY

You boys need to subpoena Chubby, so he’ll testify under oath.

CHUBBY

I refuse. Little Sarah Sanders and I are going to the beach.

DARLA

I always wondered. Can fat people go skinny dipping?

CHUBBY

Shut up. You’re so skinny, you can dodge raindrops.

DARLA

I know I am, but what are you?

BUCKWHEAT

Eberybody take a deep breath, o-tay? Alpalpa will have a fair trial. Even dough he secretly dated da new girl in town Stormy Daniels.

ALFALFA

Fake news.

JERRY

No. It’s not. You paid her off with a Shirley Temple doll.

Suddenly the magic wears off and everyone becomes an adult. Alfalfa is once again Donald Trump. Darla is Kellyanne Conway, Buckwheat is Ben Carson, Spanky is Mike Pence and Chubby is William Barr.

TRUMP

What happened? (looks down) Well, at least I don’t have small hands.

JERRY

You’ve been impeached, fella. You’re going to prison for collusion with a foreign adversary.

TRUMP

I didn’t do it. I swear it was my Cabinet.

JERRY

All of them are going to prison, too.

TRUMP

I imagine the joint has a big wall.

JERRY

Huuuge! And Mexico paid for it. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.