In a wide-ranging interview, President Trump charged his new Space Force with getting our moon back from the Martians.
President Trump recently tweeted that our moon is a part of Mars, which caused consternation among… well, everyone. I wish he had sat down with a reporter to clarify what he meant. If he had, I imagine the interview would have gone something like this:
Reporter: Mr. President, last week you stated that the moon is a part of Mars. What exactly did you mean by that?
Trump: It’s simple, the Martians have stolen our moon. The red planet already had two s*#t hole moons. They are both horrible, by the way. Frankly, ours is the best one in the solar system and that’s why those little green men took it, but I intend to have it returned. And I will make the Martians pay for getting our moon back.
Reporter: Why is it so important that we retrieve it?
Trump: The moon is very important and I know more about it than any of our scientists. I’ve read the most authoritative book on that celestial body, Good Night Moon, two times. So I am aware that the Moon is in outer space surrounded by space, lots of outer space. And many people don’t know this but it is actually made of very valuable green cheese. We need to get it back before it expires.
Once we recover that heavenly body, I intend to send Americans there so that we can learn how to live and work in another world.
Reporter: Like what we Americans have been trying to do since November 2016!
Trump: The moon will be a stepping stone in our secret plan to settle humans on Mars, which we will need to do because, frankly, my environmental policies are killing our planet. That I can tell you.
Reporter: Yes, we can see that. So how do you intend to repossess our moon?
Trump: I’m the best negotiator in the universe. So I’m sure that I can put a deal together. I’ll do very well with the Martians, believe me. I’ll have a great relationship with them. They will have great respect for me and I know they will like me.
Reporter: What if you can’t get a deal done?
Trump: I’ve asked Congress for billions and billions of dollars to create a Space Force which will be the sixth military branch. It will complement the other branches which include the Army, Navy, Air Force and uh, the uh, Salvation Army and uh, the um, Knights of Columbus.
We have already ordered 10 Millennium Falcons and one death star.
Reporter: But you don’t have these space ships now, so you aren’t prepared to attack Mars.
Trump: AAAHHH! Don’t give me “unprepared!” Obama knew about the danger for years. What with that spaceship they found in New Mexico. What was that called… Roswell! And that other place, Area 51. He knew then and he did nothing. Sad.
Reporter: So the burden is on you.
Trump: Yes, and when I’ve built the greatest space force the galaxy has ever seen, those little green men will be met with fire and fury and frankly power like they have never seen. Fear my powers, Mars!
Then we will send Americans to the red planet to make Mars great again.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to punish Mars in the meantime?
Trump: Yes, first I am calling for a complete and total ban on all Martians and other illegal space aliens entering our planet. Our planet is full and we need to keep them out. And we need to deport those that are currently living here illegally. We have some very bad alien hombres here.
Reporter: We do?
Trump: Yes. We have already rounded up one Martian spy who goes by the name, Uncle Martin. I was highly suspicious of Uncle Martin and his activities for a long time. He is a stone cold loser. That I can tell you. Other illegal aliens that we are tracking include the crazy guy known as Mork, a creepy alien named Alf, and the horrible creature called E.T. who, since he arrived, has been running up phone bills like you wouldn’t believe. We are also looking into whether Superman entered our country illegally.
Reporter: Is there anything else you can do now?
Trump: Yes, we will be imposing a 25% tariff on all products that are currently being imported from Mars including: Mars bars, Snickers, M&Ms and Milky Way bars. In addition, as long as Mars is holding our moon captive, we will impose a 20% tariff on all goods currently manufactured on the moon including: green cheese, Blue Moon beer, moonshine whiskies and mooncakes, which are a favorite of Chinese President XI. However, Xi is okay with this action, as I have informed him that I will send him the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you have ever seen. I will also be slapping a 10% tariff on Half Moon cookies.
Reporter: I guess that will teach those Martians not to mess with Donald J. Trump.
Trump: Yes, I think that the ban and the tariffs will help me negotiate a great new deal with them. If not, I promise we will not go quietly into the night! When our space force is ready we will launch the largest space battle in the history of the universe. We will fight for our right to live… on the moon and on Mars! We are going to get our damn moon back.
I think a follow-up interview like this would go a long way in clearing up President Trump’s earlier remarks regarding the location and rightful ownership of our precious moon.
Note: If there are any children reading this, please rest assured that President Trump isn’t really going to deport Superman, although he did enter our country illegally.