The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Bernie Sanders and Rudy Giuliani

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and former New York City Mayor and Trump Attorney Rudy Giuliani.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and former New York City Mayor and Trump Attorney Rudy Giuliani.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

I can’t believe that I’m in the same room with this psycho putz.

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, DonkeyHotey
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

RUDY GIULIANI

Why? Just because I was planning to go to the Ukraine to get dirt on Joe Biden?

SANDERS

Bingo! It’s treason.

GIULIANI

So is your hair.

SANDERS

I get a lot of cracks about my hair, mostly from men like you who don’t have any.

GIULIANI

That’s neither hair nor there.

JERRY

Speaking of hair. My blind date last night was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat, it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

JERRY

Moving on. Bernie, you’re behind Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren in the polls to be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2020. How do you turn those numbers around in your favor?

SANDERS

By appealing to young people. Medicare for all, free college tuition and legalized pot.

GIULIANI

People that smoke pot go brain dead.

SANDERS

Name one.

GIULIANI

Bill Maher.

SANDERS

Unlike your client Donald Trump, Bill is the real stable genius. He smokes dope. You work for one.

JERRY

Rudster. Who are you dating these days?

GIULIANI

I’m not dating. Still trying to deal with my ex-wife.

JERRY

Which one?

GIULIANI

Judith Nathan. She’s trying to claim my six homes. I could lose everything.

SANDERS

Could get worse. You already lost your mind.

JERRY

What are the two times a man doesn’t understand a woman?

GIULIANI

Tell me after three failed marriages, Dr. Phil. Oops, wrong show.

JERRY

Before marriage and after marriage.

SANDERS

After watching Dr. Phil, I want to change my name to Berniece Sanders.

GIULIANI

Phil is a genius. Last week he got to the bottom of the developmental difference between Trump and a caveman.

JERRY

There is no difference.

GIULIANI

Exactly.

JERRY

A few months ago, I ran into Dr. Phil at a convention. I asked him. “Can you help me save my sick hamster?” He said, “I’m not really a doctor.” I said, “I know. Just wanted to hear you say it.”

JERRY

Rudster. How is Trump going to win in 2020?

GIULIANI

I can’t reveal secrets. Let’s just say I have a few trips planned to Russia.

SANDERS

Treason! Russian hacking, blots, a disinformation campaign, voter suppression.

GIULIANI

And a partridge in a pear tree.

JERRY

You old fools should bury the hatchet. Go over to Morrie’s Deli and enjoy a meal together. They make the best matzo balls.

GIULIANI

I’ve tasted better tennis balls.

SANDERS

Then what do you have in mind, Mr. Smarty?

GIULIANI

Guido’s Deli. Ottimo cibo. Very good food.

SANDERS

Right. The last person that complained about The Hit Man sandwich was found floating in the East River.

JERRY

I’m from Alaska. Try plant roots dipped in caribou dung.

SANDERS

You just hit a nerve. Blargh. Get me a barf bag. Blargh…blargh.

GIULIANI

Oh man, he’s contagious. Blargh…blargh…blargh.

JERRY

You barfed on my new shoes, Rudster. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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