The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Former House Speaker John Boehner

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner.

John Boehner, caricature by DonkeyHotey
John Boehner, caricature by DonkeyHotey.

JOHN BOEHNER

Hello.

JERRY

Hey. You look drunk.

BOEHNER

Why? Because I have a wine bottle sticking out of a paper bag?

JERRY

No. Because your pants are below your knees.

BOEHNER

I stole the bottle from some bum while he was sleeping. No other way for me to get through this interview, Larry.

Boehner takes a swig from the bottle.

BOEHNER

(sings) 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around…

JERRY

Knock it off, numb nuts. And my name is Jerry. Tell me about your new book Drunk.

BOEHNER

(weeps) I started working in my dad’s tavern when I was 8. Swept the floor, cleaned the windows and brought the empty liquor bottles to the dumpster. Of course, I was responsible for some of those empty bottles. I feel bad.

JERRY

Why should you Johnny Boy? You worked for free.

BOEHNER

I didn’t need to drink my old man’s liquor. When I was an alter boy, I drank all the communion wine I wanted. The priest suspected the nuns. I fooled him every time. Praise the Lord.

JERRY

You are the 53rd Speaker of the House having served from 2011 to 2015. Prior to that you were in Congress for 21 years.

BOEHNER

Mind if I smoke? My fingers are twitching.

JERRY

Why not? Drink, smoke and be merry.

BOEHNER

Thank you, Merry.

JERRY

You’re welcome, Boner.

Boehner lights a cigarette.

JERRY

It’s Jerry with a J. Do you know the difference between a magician and yourself?

BOEHNER

The hand is quicker than the eye?

JERRY

No. The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance. You screwed the American taxpayer, fella.

BOEHNER

Hell no I didn’t, Berry!

JERRY

It’s Jerry. J-E-R-R-Y. You fought Obamacare leaving millions without health insurance. And refused to bail out the country from W’s economic Wall Street and banking disasters in 2008.

BOEHNER

Nothing like a smoke with wine. What did you say?

JERRY

You’re a disaster.

BOEHNER

Hold on there. My drinking buddy Ted Kennedy and I co-sponsored the No Child Left Behind Act in 2001. I saved kids from being stupid. I helped overthrow Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. He was the crook who stole your damn money, Kerry.

JERRY

It’s Jerry. Children might be listening, you idiot.

BOEHNER

So what? When I was their age, I was telling dirty jokes in dad’s tavern.

Gulping is heard and the sound of shattered glass.

BOEHNER

I’m outta booze. I better text my designated driver.

The studio door bursts open.

JERRY

Secretary of HUD Dr. Ben Carson? What are you doing here?

DR. BEN CARSON

I’m an Uber driver. Trump fired me. Remember when I spent $31,000 on a dining room set? He never forgave me.

JERRY

Sleepy. You could have bought the same thing at IKEA for $500.

CARSON

My wife thought the price tag was $3,100. An honest mistake.

JERRY

Uh huh. And I thought my mortgage was $20 when I wrote the check.

CARSON

Why? Do you live in a HUD project?

JERRY

What’s HUD?

CARSON

I told you before when I was on your show. It’s a movie starring Paul Newman.

JERRY

So the Boner is a good Uber customer.

CARSON

Oh yes. I get calls all the time to pick him up at the local brewery. Even drove to the Appalachian Mountains when he passed out at a vineyard.

BOEHNER

He’s a lousy driver. The son of a bitch fell asleep at the wheel the other night.

CARSON

No, I didn’t. I experimented with a driverless car and the car dozed off.

JERRY

You’re a brain surgeon. Write a book about Trump’s mind.

CARSON

Unfortunately, he has an empty cranium. What can I say?

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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