Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the President of Russia Vladimir Putin and the Manchurian Candidate Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today my guests are the President of Russia Vladimir Putin and the Manchurian Candidate Donald Trump. Err, President of the United States.
JERRY
Good morning, President Putin.
PUTIN
Morning nice, Duncanova. If interview go south, you disappear.
JERRY
Da, Comrade.
TRUMP
Vlad was kind enough to put a computer chip in my head so I would remember things.
PUTIN
He my robot.
JERRY
I understand you will be inviting President Putin to the G7 summit in the U.S. next summer.
TRUMP
Not until Russian troops withdraw from the Crimea.
PUTIN
I zap you brain.
TRUMP
What I meant to say is Russia should be able to join the G7. For Putin, Crimea was literally a steal.
PUTIN
I zap you brain.
TRUMP
Crimea is a good deal. They love Russians just like me.
JERRY
You invaded a sovereign nation.
PUTIN
No invasion. Invitation, Duncanova.
TRUMP
They have oil. Black gold, black gold.
JERRY
No more free elections.
TRUMP
And I’m upset about that.
PUTIN
I zap you brain.
TRUMP
I’m upset we have free elections. We need more meddling from Russia. Gotta win. Gotta win. Make America Great Again in 2020.
PUTIN
Trumpster smart. He win or go to jail. Everyone in Russia vote. Two choice–me or Siberia.
TRUMP
Both cold. Both cold.
JERRY
Bad things are happening and you’re lying about everything.
TRUMP
Name one.
JERRY
You said Hurricane Dorian was going to hit Alabama. That was never in the national weather forecast. You scared the hell out of all the rubes.
TRUMP
I meant North Dakota.
PUTIN
Sorry. Defrag Trump brain for maintenance. He pull state out of ass.
JERRY
Climate change is threatening the earth. Glaciers are melting in Alaska, deadly hurricanes in the Atlantic, out of control tornadoes in the heartland. Miami could be under water in 20 years.
TRUMP
I’m going to stop greenhouse emissions. No more coal or oil exploration. Solar panels for every household.
PUTIN
I zap you brain.
TRUMP
I want to suck up every drop of oil in the United States. Give to Russia and North Korea.
PUTIN
I have drilling rights on Trump brain. His mind quart low.
JERRY
Our allies don’t trust you, Trumpster. German Chancellor Angela Merkel wants to distance herself from you.
TRUMP
I don’t know why. I believe in a strong NATO alliance.
PUTIN
I zap you brain.
TRUMP
We need to bring Russia into NATO. This way they can learn how we operate.
JERRY
Your mother should have swallowed you.
JERRY
Is it true you farted at a White House baked bean dinner and blamed Obama?
PUTIN
Chip not working for manners.
JERRY
Trumpster. You have the last word.
TRUMP
I alone can ruin the United States.
JERRY
And sadly you have. See you tomorrow everyone.
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