“Li’l Johnny Legend needs to chill,” the President sneered about this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” “He should go to a good old-fashioned Rocky movie to see a real hunk. Me!”
WASHINGTON DC — President Donald J. Trump demanded today that People magazine revoke its 2019 “Sexiest Man Alive” award to singer John Legend, and instead confer it on him.
“So ridiculous,” Trump tweeted from his Golden Throne early this morning, after ten or fifteen attempts at flushing.
“Legend or Leg End or whatever it is,” he twot, “John needs to work on his Anger Management problem which a lot of people are saying he’s got. Believe me, it’s a disgrace. Sad!”
Trump added: “But if Li’l Johnny wants to see a real Sexiest Man Alive, he and a friend, if he has one, should go to an old-fashioned Make America Great Again movie like Rocky’s Eleven, starring me! So chill, Li’l Johnny, chill!”
“Yeah, a lotta people don’t know this,” the President later yelled at a reporter before boarding Marine One, “but they photoshopped Sylvester Stallion’s head on my body in those Rocky movies so that he looked good getting sick of winning, after being so unfairly treated by the other side.”
Trump went on to say that “not surprisingly” no photoshopping was necessary on the crotch of his US-flag boxing shorts.
“Like I told ya before,” he leered, “it’s a hoax and a sham and a witch hunt put out by the fake news media that I got problems down there. It’s worse than McCarthyism and Watergate combined. So there was no need for any enhancement work on Macho Mario, the world’s biggest mushroom head!”
The President stretched out his arms in a familiar gesture. “However, not so much luck for that other guy, Stallion, right? I mean in real life he didn’t do so well in the Nielson ratings, right? I mean that Brigitte or Bigtits or whatever she’s called dumped him, right? Adrienne! Adrienne! Well, she never dumped me!”
Later in the day Michelle Obama unexpectedly responded to Trump’s “Legendary” tweet, encouraging the sexy singer/actor to be his sexiest self possible.
“Don’t let anyone dim your light,” she twittered. “Like the dudes Barack and I have met in hoods all over the world, when he goes low, we need to go even lower. Fuck Trump!”
