Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/23/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

banana taped
Art Collector pays $120,000 for a banana taped to a wall.

Art Collector pays $120,000 for a banana taped to a wall at Miami Basel

What an idiot! He could’ve gotten four times as many bananas down the street at a Whole Foods.

Jack Black totally forgot he starred in ‘The Holiday’

Hmm, that would be a literal “Black out!”

Thousands of penis-like sea worms wash up on California beach

With crabs not far behind!

Republican Congressman suggests Trump is being treated worse than Jesus amid impeachment debate

… like that time Jesus grabbed Mary Magdalene by the pu%&y.

NFL correspondent Jane Slater caught her ex cheating via Fitbit

… hmm, guess that’s why they call it “stepping out!”

On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers conducted the first man powered flight

On a side note, their luggage is still missing.

Tulsi Gabbard votes “present” in impeachment against Trump

As opposed to her usual “dah” or “nyet.”

Mormon Church has misled members on $100 billion tax-exempt investment fund, whistleblower alleges

I can’t wait for the musical version, “The Cooked Books of Mormon.”

Happy 76th birthday, Keith Richards

You don’t look a day over 137.

Hallmark pulls an ad of two brides kissing

Don’t worry, you can still get plenty of that on “Showtime After Dark!”

Eddie Murphy’s 10 children (ages 1 – 30) will be accompanying their father at his ‘SNL’ return after 35 years

… those food bills explain why he made Pluto Nash…

McConnell decries lack of bipartisanship

McConnell bitching about the lack of bipartisanship is as believable as Judge Roy Moore Jr bitching about the lack of mall security!

Demi Lovato poses with her new boyfriend wearing nothing but a sexy lace bra

Hmm, ok, that’s what he was wearing, what about Demi?

Donald Trump Jr. promotes Trump-themed wrapping paper as his father is impeached

What’s next? Pillows at Trump properties will have “ImpeachMints?”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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