Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Art Collector pays $120,000 for a banana taped to a wall at Miami Basel
What an idiot! He could’ve gotten four times as many bananas down the street at a Whole Foods.
Jack Black totally forgot he starred in ‘The Holiday’
Hmm, that would be a literal “Black out!”
Thousands of penis-like sea worms wash up on California beach
With crabs not far behind!
Republican Congressman suggests Trump is being treated worse than Jesus amid impeachment debate
… like that time Jesus grabbed Mary Magdalene by the pu%&y.
NFL correspondent Jane Slater caught her ex cheating via Fitbit
… hmm, guess that’s why they call it “stepping out!”
On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers conducted the first man powered flight
On a side note, their luggage is still missing.
Tulsi Gabbard votes “present” in impeachment against Trump
As opposed to her usual “dah” or “nyet.”
Mormon Church has misled members on $100 billion tax-exempt investment fund, whistleblower alleges
I can’t wait for the musical version, “The Cooked Books of Mormon.”
Happy 76th birthday, Keith Richards
You don’t look a day over 137.
Hallmark pulls an ad of two brides kissing
Don’t worry, you can still get plenty of that on “Showtime After Dark!”
Eddie Murphy’s 10 children (ages 1 – 30) will be accompanying their father at his ‘SNL’ return after 35 years
… those food bills explain why he made Pluto Nash…
McConnell decries lack of bipartisanship
McConnell bitching about the lack of bipartisanship is as believable as Judge Roy Moore Jr bitching about the lack of mall security!
Demi Lovato poses with her new boyfriend wearing nothing but a sexy lace bra
Hmm, ok, that’s what he was wearing, what about Demi?
Donald Trump Jr. promotes Trump-themed wrapping paper as his father is impeached
What’s next? Pillows at Trump properties will have “ImpeachMints?”