“The Night Before Christmas,” updated.
“A Visit from St. Nicholas,” more commonly known as “The Night Before Christmas” and “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” from its first line, is a poem first published anonymously in 1823 and later attributed to Clement Clarke Moore, who claimed authorship in 1837. Here’s a modern update. Merry Christmas!
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through D.C.
All the lobbyists were hoping to get something for free;
Their stockings were hung near The White House with care,
In hopes that The Donald soon would be there.
The CEOs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of tax cuts danced in their heads;
And the House and the Senate and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I called Mick Mulvaney to ask what was the matter.
But the acting chief knew nothing of this strange event,
Much less the workings of the Trump government.
So I ventured outside to have a quick look,
And to see if I’d find there a thief or a crook.
When, what to my wondering eyes should I view,
But a pork barrel wagon for the elite chosen few.
With a cagey head driver with one true belief,
I knew in a moment it was the Commander in Chief.
More rapid than eagles his rightwing friends came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now Perry! Now Carson! Now, Pompeo and Ross!
On, Jared! On, Ivanka! On, Mnuchin and DeVos!
To the top of The White House! to the top of the wall!
Now give away! give away! give away all!”
With alt-right donations to help pave the way,
The President guided the patronage sleigh.
So out to the hustings his gang of friends flew,
With the sleigh full of goodies, and Donald Trump, too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the land
The gleeful outstretching of each corporate hand.
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
The government’s finances came tumbling down.
The President managed in the blink of one eye,
To give away billions to just the right guys.
Repealed regulations he gave with one hand,
Plus coal mining permits on government land.
His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His philosophy simple; his speech quite contrary!
He viewed the world only as good versus evil,
And tweeted out lies in a manner most gleeful.
He duped enough voters with a simple refrain,
By repeatedly saying “Make America Great Again.”
He chastised our allies in language quite plain,
In pursuit of a brand new nationalist reign.
And praised all the leaders of enemy states
Like Jong-un and Putin and more reprobates.
His lies were ceaseless with unfettered growth
As he violated every Constitutional oath.
Even impeachment could not slow him down
As he carried on acting the political clown.
But a wink of his eye and a slight verbal quirk,
Soon gave me to know what was really at work.
This guy was no dummy, no amiable dunce,
It was just a big cover to fool all the chumps.
And fool them he did wherever he went,
While doling out goodies to those of his bent.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like an Exocet missile.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to some, and to the rest – serves you right.”