[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Paltrow Launches GOOP University

Gweneth Paltrow to offer unique degrees at new “GOOP University.”

Gweneth Paltrow’s latest endeavor is the launching of GOOP University. The first order of business at GOOP U will be to award Paltrow with an honorary M.D. and Ph.D., and install her as the President of the university, based on the qualifications of those degrees.

GOOP UniversityThe university will have three majors: Business, Pseudo-Science and Gwenethology. Among the courses that will be offered for business majors are: 1) How to turn bullshit into profit; 2) Scamming on the internet, 3a) How to avoid the FDA , 3b) What to do if caught by the FDA, and finally, 4) How to create a cult following (step one: become a celebrity).

Courses for majors in pseudo-science include: 1) detoxing using the mold in your shower; 2) cat box aromatherapy; and 3) pseudo-science home laboratory. The last course requires the students to collect naturally growing plants (i.e. weeds) in local fields or their back yard and combine them in their kitchens with household solvents and other “creative” elements in their cupboards to create a new face cream. Students must apply this cream to their faces for one week, and those whose face does not break out in a rash, crack, or bleed will pass the course. If the cream results in a gentle peeling of a layer of skin, the student will receive an A+ grade for creating an exfoliant after signing all rights of the product to Paltrow.

The most popular major is expected to be Gwenethology. All courses will be taught by Paltrow herself, with the objective of having students absorb as much Gweneth energy and essence as possible. Courses will include:

1) Gwenethism: How to think like Gweneth.
2) Gwenethcology: How to align emotions with Gweneth.
3) Gwenethrology: How to make your aura match Gweneth’s.
4) Gwenethics: How not to be judgmental (grades based on Gweneth’s judgment).
5) Gwenmyth: How to make people believe your plain face is beautiful.

Weird Al Yankovic will be composing the school’s anthem. The school crest will feature a rendition of Botticelli’s Venus, with a naked Paltrow emerging from a large shell. Students will graduate with a BBS, a Bachelorette of BS degree.

Diane de Anda