Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host stars in his own real show, live from New York City!
Live from New York City, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. I flew into New York City yesterday to star in my own show off off Broadway. And boy is my middle finger tired. The cab drivers, the crowded subways, the pigeons. I think the pigeons are planning an uprising. They keep saying “coup, coup, coup.” But it’s really fun to hear show biz gossip. I found out that Reese eats her ice cream Witherspoon. And ironically, actor Brad Pitt and my old man have something in common. Neither one ever came to my birthday party.
The studio door bursts open.
I spent all day trying to find you, Duncan. We need to rehearse. I don’t know my lines.
You idiot. The play opens in a few days.
Oh, jeez. I better get started. I thought this was ad lib.
You couldn’t ad lib a fart after a bake bean dinner.
(reads script) Sarah and I went to Wasilla High in Alaska. I was number one in my class with a D average. A Nobel Prize winner compared to Sarah Palin.
Quit pickin on me, Duncan. Just because my IQ results came back negative.
That’s not the lines, Sarah.
(reads script) I’m gonna load my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buck shit.
It’s buck shot. Try it again.
Wait. Before we start. I just thought of something. Where can a waitress with only one leg work?
Pirates of the Carribean?
Lord. If you’re listening, one of us has to disappear. Sarah. I’m cutting you out of the show if you don’t have your lines memorized by tomorrow.
I’m not stupid. I returned a donut today, because it had a hole in it. I’ll be ready. You betcha!
Senator Chuck Schumer bursts through the studio door.
SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER
Welcome to the Big Apple, Jerry.
Did you memorize your lines?
Of course. I had a perfect score on my SAT. Listen, nothing you say can ruin my day.
I just hit up Michael Bloomberg for some cash for my 2020 Senate campaign.
And what did the Bloomster get in return?
Donald and Ivanka Trump burst through the studio door.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
I’ll tell you what Little Mike got in return. A front seat in the Democrat clown car. Nobody can beat me in 2020. I’m the most corrupt president ever. That’s H-U-G-E!
Oh daddy, I love you.
Not as much as I love you. If you weren’t my daughter, we’d be dating.
Hold that thought. There’s a call coming in from China. I think they need more handbags. Hello? Hello?
Trumpster. Did you memorize your lines? You have the most in the play.
The Jerry Duncan Show March 5-15 in Greenwich Village. You’ll suck the oxygen out of the room.
Will people be laughing at me more than they are now?
Don’t forget to buy your tickets to my show. Here’s the skinny.
13th Street Repertory Theater
50 West 13th Street
New York, New York
Shows: March 5, 6, 7, 12, 13, 14 at 7:30 pm; March 8, 15 at 4:00 pm.
Tickets can be purchased at brownpapertickets.com.
Or call (800)838-3006.
Student and senior discounts.
See you at the theater.
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