The Jerry Duncan Show: Live from New York City!

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host stars in his own real show, live from New York City!

ANNOUNCER

Live from New York City, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Jerry Duncan Show: Live from New York City
Jerry Duncan Show logo.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. I flew into New York City yesterday to star in my own show off off Broadway. And boy is my middle finger tired. The cab drivers, the crowded subways, the pigeons. I think the pigeons are planning an uprising. They keep saying “coup, coup, coup.” But it’s really fun to hear show biz gossip. I found out that Reese eats her ice cream Witherspoon. And ironically, actor Brad Pitt and my old man have something in common. Neither one ever came to my birthday party.

The studio door bursts open.

SARAH PALIN

I spent all day trying to find you, Duncan. We need to rehearse. I don’t know my lines.

JERRY

You idiot. The play opens in a few days.

PALIN

Oh, jeez. I better get started. I thought this was ad lib.

JERRY

You couldn’t ad lib a fart after a bake bean dinner.

JERRY

(reads script) Sarah and I went to Wasilla High in Alaska. I was number one in my class with a D average. A Nobel Prize winner compared to Sarah Palin.

PALIN

Quit pickin on me, Duncan. Just because my IQ results came back negative.

JERRY

That’s not the lines, Sarah.

PALIN

(reads script) I’m gonna load my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buck shit.

JERRY

It’s buck shot. Try it again.

PALIN

Wait. Before we start. I just thought of something. Where can a waitress with only one leg work?

JERRY

Pirates of the Carribean?

PALIN

Nope. IHOP.

JERRY

Lord. If you’re listening, one of us has to disappear. Sarah. I’m cutting you out of the show if you don’t have your lines memorized by tomorrow.

PALIN

I’m not stupid. I returned a donut today, because it had a hole in it. I’ll be ready. You betcha!

Senator Chuck Schumer bursts through the studio door.

SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER

Welcome to the Big Apple, Jerry.

JERRY

Did you memorize your lines?

SCHUMER

Of course. I had a perfect score on my SAT. Listen, nothing you say can ruin my day.

JERRY

Why?

SCHUMER

I just hit up Michael Bloomberg for some cash for my 2020 Senate campaign.

JERRY

And what did the Bloomster get in return?

SCHUMER

Next question.

Donald and Ivanka Trump burst through the studio door.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

I’ll tell you what Little Mike got in return. A front seat in the Democrat clown car. Nobody can beat me in 2020. I’m the most corrupt president ever. That’s H-U-G-E!

IVANKA TRUMP

Oh daddy, I love you.

TRUMP

Not as much as I love you. If you weren’t my daughter, we’d be dating.

IVANKA

Hold that thought. There’s a call coming in from China. I think they need more handbags. Hello? Hello?

JERRY

Trumpster. Did you memorize your lines? You have the most in the play.

TRUMP

What play?

JERRY

The Jerry Duncan Show March 5-15 in Greenwich Village. You’ll suck the oxygen out of the room.

TRUMP

Will people be laughing at me more than they are now?

JERRY

Absolutely.

TRUMP

Done deal.

JERRY

Don’t forget to buy your tickets to my show. Here’s the skinny.

13th Street Repertory Theater
50 West 13th Street
New York, New York
13thstreetrep.org

Shows: March 5, 6, 7, 12, 13, 14 at 7:30 pm; March 8, 15 at 4:00 pm.

Tickets can be purchased at brownpapertickets.com.

Or call (800)838-3006.

Student and senior discounts.

JERRY

See you at the theater.

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