The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Mitch McConnell and Senator Chuck Schumer

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican Senator Mitch McConnell and Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Republican Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell and Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer.

Mitch McConnell by DonkeyHotey
Mitch McConnell. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

MITCH MCCONNELL

I’ll regret doing this interview. I know it.

JERRY

You won’t. I have some fresh flies and lettuce to snack on.

MCCONNELL

You’re my kind of guy. Thank you.

CHUCK SCHUMER

Hey, Jerry. What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe?

JERRY

FBI director James Comey?

SCHUMER

A turtleneck.

MCCONNELL

I find that insulting to my fellow reptiles. You need to apologize.

SCHUMER

I won’t apologize until your approval rating in Kentucky is above 18.

MCCONNELL

You’re mixing that number up with your IQ.

SCHUMER

I got a perfect score on my SAT test. Na na na na nah.

MCCONNELL

Well, I got a gazillion dollars from my Chinese father-in-law. There’s an old Chinese saying “Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”

JERRY

Senator Schumer. Name one thing that’s been accomplished since Trump became president.

SCHUMER

I can’t. Oh yeah. He gave a tax cut to the rich and obstructed justice in the Mueller investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.

MCCONNELL

It’s time to move on from Russia.

SCHUMER

Just move on. Right. You had no problem impeaching President Clinton 20 years ago.

MCCONNELL

I was upset and withdrew inside my shell for months. Monica Lewinsky said I was so disgusting that she didn’t know if something bad happened or I was just naturally ugly.

JERRY

Turtle. What do Monica and OJ Simpson have in common?

MCCONNELL

I don’t know.

JERRY

Sore knees.

MCCONNELL

God bless America. Everybody in this great country got a pay raise this year.

SCHUMER

$10 a month.

MCCONNELL

We are safer than ever before.

SCHUMER

The Russians hacked our elections in 2016 and plan to do it again in 2020.

MCCONNELL

Coal is back and there is a demand for Pat Boone records.

SCHUMER

The Chinese have a growing solar panel industry that dominates 40% of the world’s energy needs. Pat Boone? He’s so old that the candles cost more than his birthday cake.

MCCONNELL

Trump cares about families.

SCHUMER

And separates them at our southern border.

The door slams shut. Mayor Rudy Giuliani appears.

JERRY

What are you doing here, Daffy Duck?

GIULIANI

I’m defending the Commander in Chief.

SCHUMER

Vladimir Putin?

GIULIANI

Very funny. The Lord created you in order to make a used car salesman look good.

JERRY

Rudster. Weren’t you going to Kiev to get dirt on Vice President Joe Biden?

GIULIANI

I found out none of the restaurants serve Chicken Kiev, so I called off the trip.

SCHUMER

The reason Rudy backed down is because it is against the law to take gifts from a foreign government.

GIULIANI

C’mon. The new president of the Ukraine Volodymyr Zelensky is a comedian. I was going there to get jokes for the 2020 Trump campaign. Jokes are not a gift.

SCHUMER

You’re wrong. Trump is a joke that never stops giving.

JERRY

One last question, Rudster.

GIULIANI

Go ahead.

JERRY

Were your parents siblings?

GIULIANI

(bonkers with eyes protruding) Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you had enough oxygen at birth?

JERRY

Sometimes the first step for forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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