Home Alone – Trapped in My House!

Home alone for the Coronavirus pandemic. What to do?

Last month I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed that I was home alone and I was being forced to shelter in place. But when I woke up I realized that the nightmare had evolved into a daymare. It has been going on for over a month now with no end in sight. My home may be my castle, but right now the drawbridge is in the upright and locked position.

Home AloneAt first it wasn’t so bad, like Kevin McCallister I enjoyed eating junk food and watching rubbish on TV. Most people were at home doing the same thing. Except for the heroes who are still providing essential services, it is what we are supposed to be doing. It’s our job now.

TV has become my life. I started binge watching some of my favorite movies including; The Martian, The Shining, Cast Away and Robinson Crusoe. But for some reason I started feeling very lonely. I began wallowing in self-pity until I realized that this solitary confinement could be far worse.

After all, we are not stuck alone on Mars like Matt Damon or trapped in the Overlook Hotel with an insane Jack Nicholson. And we aren’t stranded on a desert island like Tom Hanks or Robinson Crusoe, although they did have an ocean view while we aren’t even allowed on beaches.

Fortunately we are permitted to drive to the store. So I have plenty of milk, eggs and fabric softener. And luckily my home state realized that liquor stores provide essential services. I think that, because of this crisis, the American people have come to realize just how essential liquor stores really are. Just think, it was only a month ago that drinking alone in your house was frowned upon whereas now….

There are actually some advantages to our current plight. For one, we don’t have to clean our homes since we no longer have guests. Some people say it’s a shame that no one visits because their houses have never been cleaner. But I don’t believe anyone is actually doing any house cleaning. They may not even be bathing. But there is no way of knowing since we can’t get within six feet of anybody. Personally, I can’t even remember how to turn the vacuum cleaner on and I haven’t done laundry in weeks.

One nice thing is that since all of the gyms are closed, we can avoid all forms of exercise without feeling any guilt. Instead we can spend the day lying on the couch binge watching Tiger King and Ozark or annoying friends on Facebook with political posts.

Another positive for many is that they don’t have to go to the office, so they can avoid all their annoying co-workers like the slick talkers in Sales, the drama queens in Marketing, the misers in Accounting and the holier-than- thou guys in Human Resources. Sure some may have to work from home but that can be done in your bathrobe while eating bonbons and sipping wine.

And while being home alone is no picnic we are safer than the brave men and women who are going to work every day to provide the rest of us with the healthcare, food, toilet paper, beer and wine that we so desperately need.

Hopefully this crisis will end soon and we can all get back out into the world because, as the cast away Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) said, “The most beautiful thing in the world is, of course, the world itself.”

By the way, I’m not really home alone. I’m trapped in my house with my wonderful wife. The good news is that we haven’t killed each other yet though I sense she has begun plotting my demise. Maybe she just hasn’t decided on her weapon of choice.

Take Care and Stay Safe.

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