The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Celebrity Martha Stewart

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews businesswoman, author and television personality, Martha Stewart.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is entrepreneur Martha Stewart. She is a businesswoman, author and television personality.

Martha Stewart Gage Skidmore
Martha Stewart. Photo by Gage Skidmore, flickr.com.

MARTHA STEWART

And convicted felon for insider trading.

JERRY

Forgot about that.

STEWART

Not me. Back in 2004, I spent five months in a Federal correction facility with a bunch of morons. The good thing. I learned not to argue with people whose IQ came back negative.

JERRY

Do you know why inmates can’t read a clock?

STEWART

No.

JERRY

Cause it’s hard time.

STEWART

Duncan. I don’t look back. My cousin who stutters was sentenced to six months in prison. That was two years ago and he still hasn’t finished a sentence.

JERRY

You started in business as a youngster.

STEWART

Yes. When I was ten, I baby sat for Yankee slugger Mickey Mantle’s kids.

JERRY

Wasn’t Mickey a switch hitter?

STEWART

I never asked about his personal life.

JERRY

Let me, help you. He batted left and right.

STEWART

Whatever. I’m not a switch hitter. Got married right out of college to Andrew Stewart.

JERRY

And you didn’t live happily ever after. Divorced after 29 years, one kid. Nasty. People say you’re the PMS poster child from hell. Is that an accurate description?

STEWART

Everybody comes to the same conclusion. It’s because of my Polish heritage.

JERRY

Why? Do you have an inferiority complex?

STEWART

Just the opposite. I’m a proud Pole. I heard today that Poland just bought 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, they are going to invade Russia. We won’t need NATO troops on the border.

JERRY

So how did you learn to sew and cook?

STEWART

My mother. I made everything from chicken dishes to tacos. Which reminds me. May 5 is Cinco de Mayo. I’m making a giant taco for Trump. It will blow his pants off. Not a pleasant site, as you can imagine.

JERRY

I’m getting chills. Moving on. You had your first cookbook published in 1982. Then in 1990 developed a new magazine called Martha Stewart Living. And a long running television show by the same name.

STEWART

I was rolling in the big bucks. That’s when I got rid of my husband. I thought I was God and he didn’t.

JERRY

So you dated Sir Anthony Hopkins.

STEWART

Until I saw Silence of the Lambs. That’s when I called it off. I kept seeing Hannibal Lecter. I feared for my life.

JERRY

It was just a movie.

STEWART

That’s what I thought until one night when we were having dinner. Anthony said, “Well, Martha, have the Lambs stopped screaming?” I went postal.

JERRY

Hey. Don’t knock postal workers. They are some of the most innovative people around.

STEWART

Why do you say that?

JERRY

Because they really push the envelope.

STEWART

Jestes waiatem.

JERRY

What does that mean?

STEWART

It’s Polish for “You are a lunatic.”

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Meanie Meanster.

JERRY

In 2018, The Trumpster offered you a pardon. You refused. Let me quote from a Tweet. “I will not accept a pardon from Trump. Although my prosecution was over-zealous, I can’t be party to what this country is becoming. This pardon will ruin my reputation.”

STEWART

Yep. I’m hailed as a hero. Call me Queen Martha.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

STEWART

Who’s there?

JERRY

Queen.

STEWART

Queen who?

JERRY

Queen your mouth. Your breath smells. See you tomorrow everyone.

Share
Share