Arabella’s Dictionary: Shopping and Exchanges

A thoroughly modern, if irreverent, dictionary for your edification. This edition: terms relating to shopping, exchanges and more.

shoppingAfwyn (af-win): An adorable guy who, in the evenings, reads medieval mystery novels and cries over classical compositions. People are fond of the sobbing afwyn and like to see him sitting and reading in an easy chair by the fireplace in their study. They feel that having an afwyn residing in their residence adds an artsy depth and originality to their lives. Afwyns can be both purchased and returned at most furniture stores and also are on sale on Amazon.com.

Aprunkle (a-prun-kel): An aprunkle is an inexpensive show maid who can’t clean — a fantasy janitress. One hires aprunkles when wanting to give the appearance of being wealthy to the neighbors and guests.  When summoned, the incompetent maids arrive in a luxurious aprunkle carriage and pretend to sweep the walkway with too-thin brooms as they approach their client’s front door. They then stand in front of the windows and purport to mop, dust and vacuum the entire house. One’s visiting best friend will say, “Wow, Jim, you can afford aprunkles?! Business must be fantastic.”

Banefinger (ban-fin-gehr): The third finger on the right hand of a decorous lady that accidentally but automatically flies up when she is at the grocery store checkout line and a rude stranger cuts in front of her.

Bickering Beau Firm: Staffing agency that hires out people who like to quarrel as secretaries, construction workers and acting spouses. A hostile arguer can call the BBF anytime at all with a request. ‘Hello, Bickering Beau Firm, this is Rocky B. I need a furious clerical worker who storms out of the room every 30 minutes — ASAP!’ The BBF will go through its roster of enraged typists until they find someone who stands a fighting chance of filling Rocky B.’s position. The Bickering Beau Firm carries an ‘A’ for argumentative rating with the Better Business Bureau. 

Flink: A roll of loud, tacky wallpaper.

Pennydolly (pen-ee-dol-lee): Rickety, pint-sized shopping cart found at the Dollar Store.

Templove (temp-lo-vay): Current companion. A woman or man who serves, quite willingly and happily, as an interim girlfriend or boyfriend. Temploves serve until their mate, called a templover, can find herself a more suitable and permanent partner. Occasionally a templove does such a good job that the templover keeps him or her on permanently.  Temploves can be found at the bus stop, bar or nearest templove agency.

shopping

Vadvondrilo (vaad-von-drih-lo): To vadvondrilo someone is to bolt in front of her at the supermarket and then start walking very slowly. This causes the person shopping who has been decelerated to have an infuriated hissy fit which then provokes her to relapse on her nail-biting. The poor girl rage eats chocolate bars as she sluggishly inches through the grocery store aisles and glares intensely at the human snail in front of her.

Andrea Bock
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