[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Cartoon Chaos: Looney Tunes Characters File Suit

Beloved Looney Tunes characters file suit over no longer being allowed to carry firearms.

Warner Brothers recently announced that its Looney Tunes line-up is being reprised. The cast will again include the infamous wabbit hunter Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam, the gun-slinging cowboy with the hare trigger. However, Warner Brothers stunned the cartoon world by announcing that the pair will no longer be allowed to carry their iconic firearms.

Looney Tunes characters carry firearms
Looney Tunes characters file suit over right to carry firearms.

Both animated men were visibly upset and immediately filed suit in federal court. The usually mild-mannered Fudd told reporters, “I’ll give them my shotgun when they pry it from my cold dead cartoon hands.” As expected, the National Rifle Association took up their cause saying that the duo’s Second Amendment rights were being violated. Even cartoons are not above Second Amendment politics these days.

Attorneys for the disarmed duo argued that the Second Amendment had originally proclaimed “the right of the people, whether animated or real, to keep and bear arms and to hunt wabbits, shall not be infringed.” They went on to say that although some of these words had failed to make it into the final draft, it was well known in Colonial America that the founding fathers meant for the amendment to also pertain to cartoon figures.

Lawyers for the defense disagreed and cited the case of Woody v. Walt Disney Pictures in which the judge ruled that Woody, the Toy Story actor, didn’t have the right to carry a pistol on the set (if you google Woody you’ll see his holster is empty).

Given that precedent, the jury in the Fudd and Sam case sided with Warner Brothers. An irate Yosemite Sam was later heard shouting “I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that ever crossed the Rio Grande and I intend to appeal.”

A spokesperson for Warner Brothers noted that the company was only banning guns and that they intended to continue the use of exploding tennis balls, sticks of dynamite, anvils and bombs in their productions. Acme Corporation’s stock price soared after the statement was released.

In a related story, a lower court ruled that Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer could take away Ralphie Parker’s Red Ryder BB gun stating firearm safety concerns. The judge cited the fear that he might shoot his eye out. Mrs. Parker and Ralphie’s teacher had each filed amicus curiae briefs supporting the disarming of the nine-year-old.

In other cartoon news, President Trump announced that he will ask the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency (ICE) to investigate allegations that the cartoon industry was harboring illegal immigrant characters. Trump said “I believe that some cartoon characters may be in our country illegally. I watch Fox News and a lot of other cartoons and most of the characters in these other shows are stone cold losers. I get much better TV ratings than any of them, that I can tell you.”

A White House source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, disclosed that ICE had already questioned the Tasmanian Devil, whom the President has said is crazier than Crazy Bernie Sanders. The source also said that the agency will begin looking into the immigration status of Speedy Gonzales, Marvin the Martian and Pikachu, to name a few. He also disclosed that the investigation of Pepe Le Pew, the narcissistic skunk who has for years been aggressively pursuing a relationship with Penelope Pussycat, has been dropped as the president said he liked Mr. Pew’s style and that the skunk reminds him of someone.

And finally, it was announced yesterday that Adam Schiff, the Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, is starting a new inquiry into alleged interference in American elections. Schiff declared that new evidence has come to light that indicated that two Russian spies, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale had interfered in the 2016 election and were planning to do it again in 2020. Schiff didn’t explain what evidence he had other than the fact that the couple looked Russian and spoke with Russian accents. Mr. Badenov said that he was refusing to cooperate with the investigation saying, “You busy-bodies have busied your last body.” He followed up by saying “Moose and Squirrel did it.”

So, there you have it. Our world is in chaos but so is the Cartoon world.

That’s All Folks.

JC Wade
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