[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Animal Rights Groups Picket the White House

Trump accused of slaughter by animal rights groups PETA and Audubon.

The White House is now being picketed by large numbers of the animal rights groups PETA and Audubon members. They are protesting a massive extermination of crows on the White House grounds that they insist Trump ordered.

crows animal rightsTrump adamantly denies any such order. “I love crows,” he claimed. “As a kid my favorite part of the Dumbo movie was the scene with all those crows, even though they did talk kinda funny.”

Noting the eyes rolling among members of the press, the press secretary quickly interrupted, “We’ve launched a full investigation. Every bird has the right to feel safe on the White House grounds.”

Trump quickly interrupted with what he believed would indicate empathy to the demonstrators: “All birds’ lives matter,” he called out. This time reporters eyes practically spun in their heads as the press secretary abruptly ended the press conference and his aides ushered President Trump out of the room. “What now… What was wrong with that?” the reporters heard him castigating his staff as they walked out the door. He became even more angry when he heard a staff member mention “a murder of crows” until he discovered that ironically that was the proper term for a group of crows.

To appease the protesters, Trump then ordered the FBI to conduct the investigation on the grounds that it was genocide and, therefore, a hate crime. After two days of interviewing the staff and all those who participated in the massacre of the crows, the source was discovered.

It appears that in a blunder, President Trump did unknowingly order the extermination of the crows. Concerned that protesters might have left covid infectious material on the White House grounds, Trump issued the following command: “I want a massive sweep of the White House grounds so that no corvid can be found. Eliminate all. I want everything dead.”

His slip of the tongue, saying corvid instead of covid, sealed the crow’s doom, since corvid refers to birds in the crow family, crows, ravens, jays, and other related species. Staffers who informed him of the error had to repeat the two words several times and use flash cards for the President to recognize the difference.

“He must have misheard me,” he insisted and ordered the staff member who received the order fired due to the danger he posed “because of his hearing problem.” Bill Barr quickly whispered in Trump’s ear that firing on that basis would violate the ADA (American’s with Disabilities Act). The President thought a moment and replied, “Okay, how about we say he has that problem where he mixes up letters? You know, lysdexia.”

Diane de Anda