Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews President-elect Joe Biden and his wife Jill.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are President-elect Joe Biden and his wife Jill.
PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN
Let me pretend to give you a hug now that you’re live streaming the podcast.
JERRY
That looks bad. It’s COVID.
JOE
But I wear a mask.
JERRY
So does Batman. Hey, it took you three times to become president. What happened?
JOE
The party picked Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis in 1988. Here’s the deal. He’s been the same height, shoe size and clothing size since 6th grade. It works in the Land of Oz, not America. Little Mikey was trounced in the election.
JERRY
2008. Hillary Clinton aced you out of the nomination.
JOE
There’s an old saying. Sometimes you have to flush the toilet twice. She lost, too.
JILL BIDEN
My husband won this year in a landslide with 306 electoral votes to Trump’s 232. I’m so proud of him.
JERRY
Donald Trump claimed the election was rigged.
JILL
Rigged my ass. Coming from the man whose Trump 2020 sign on lawns was the scariest thing on Halloween this year. Trump is delusional. Every lawsuit he’s initiated against the swing states has been tossed out by the courts. (yells) You lost buddy!! Take your ball and go home.
JOE
Isn’t she something, Jerry? The woman taught people with emotional disabilities at a psychiatric hospital. We have connections. Can get Trump a room, no questions asked.
JERRY
Jill. There is something that surprised me. You were married before you met Joe.
JILL
Yes. I was young and foolish. Got married when I was 19. Did some modeling, went to college. Divorced after 5 years.
JERRY
Then what?
JILL
I graduated from the University of Delaware and went to work in Joe’s Senate Office. But he found me, not the other way around.
JERRY
What the dilly-o?
JOE
I was in the Senate rest room. There was a message written in magic marker on the stall. It said, “For a good time call Jill (302)545-5276.” And I did.
JILL
Two years later we were married.
JOE
She’s a wonderful mother, lifelong educator and proud military mom. Trump can’t say the same about his wife Melanoma. I mean Bologna, Pneumonia. Shucks…Melania. What’s she done in 4 years?
Melania Trump calls into the show.
JERRY
Excuse me, Bidens. It’s First Lady Melania Trump on the line.
JERRY
Good morning.
MELANIA TRUMP
No good morning. I here to defend self. And stupid husband! In 4 year, here’s what I do. Send 2000 Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo of me to monks in Tibet. I look into eyes of Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau and hope husband become vegetable. I teach Slovenian to son Barron in case husband deport us. Now I very busy going over divorce papers with attorney.
JERRY
Well, you are moving out of the White House on January 19.
JOE
Earlier. That’s the deal. We need to fumigate the place. Lots of smells from McDonald’s and KFC.
JILL
That’s not all. Housekeeping found some dirty Depend diapers in the Oval Office.
MELANIA
I give two reason for husband mess. Number 1 and Number 2. As a present to new president and first lady, I write poem.
JOE
Did you plagiarize it from Michelle Obama?
MELANIA
No, Sleepy. I write myself.
JERRY
Please read it.
MELANIA
Joe and Jill went up Capital Hill to give Mitch McConnell makeover. Jill turn around and break Mitch’s crown. Now he need root canal and new face.
JERRY
Beautiful poem. Should be in a landfill.
MELANIA
I leave now. I hope all of you break leg…arm, back and…
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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