The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Hillary Clinton

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Hillary Clinton by DonkeyHotey
Hillary Clinton. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

HILLARY CLINTON

Hello, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

Welcome, Madam Secretary.

HILLARY

Call me Hillary.

JERRY

Call me Jerry. Call me anything you want.

HILLARY

I might just take you up on that.

JERRY

Let’s see. You were the First Lady from 1992 to 2001. But not the only lady in the life of William Jefferson Clinton.

HILLARY

What are you saying?

JERRY

There was Paula, Jennifer, Monica…your husband couldn’t keep his pants zipped. He was impeached. Remember?

HILLARY

Are you gonna talk about the past, Jerky Duncan?

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Hey. Do you know why your husband crossed Pennsylvania Avenue without secret service?

HILLARY

No clue.

JERRY

To get to the intern on the other side.

HILLARY

You know, Jerry. Life isn’t always black and white. It can be grey.

JERRY

Like the color of your real hair?

HILLARY

You’re a deplorable.

JERRY

If you say so, Miss Smarty Pantsuit. Let’s see. You were the U.S. Senator of New York from 2001 to 2009. Only taking time out to run for president against Barack Obama in 2008. How did you feel when you lost?

HILLARY

I was partying like it was 1999. How the hell do you think I felt?

JERRY

But Obama made you his Secretary of State.

HILLARY

True. I bridged close friendships with our allies, curtailed Iran’s nuclear program and encouraged the Arab Spring. Helping to liberate Libya.

JERRY

Then came Benghazi. The U.S. Mission set on fire by terrorists on September 11, 2012. Our ambassador to Libya and three other U.S. nationals killed.

HILLARY

Congress wouldn’t authorize funding to protect our embassies. I would have given my husband’s left nut to save them. It was awful.

JERRY

Losing those four people?

HILLARY

Yes. And the thought of Bill not having a left nut.

JERRY

You were a Republican before you became a Democrat.

HILLARY

I was a Goldwater girl back in 1964. Worked for awhile on Governor Nelson Rockefeller’s presidential campaign in 1968. But then I found my true calling. Eugene McCarthy, the anti-Vietnam War Senator from Minnesota was running for president in the same year. Good-bye Rocky.

JERRY

After law school, you became so political that you worked on the impeachment hearings of President Nixon.

HILLARY

He was a crook and liar like Trump. Trying to obstruct justice by undermining our elections.

JERRY

James Comey. Ring a bell?

HILLARY

Creep, dishonest, 15 minutes of fame, ruined my chance to be president. Had Too Tall Comey not brought up my email server to put doubts in voters minds 10 days prior to the election, I would be president. I won the popular vote by over two million.

JERRY

Comey was concerned sleazy Anthony Weiner had access to your personal emails and maybe a few government emails as well.

HILLARY

Only 3 out of 30,000 were marked classified. They were traffic tickets.

JERRY

But you don’t drive.

HILLARY

They were from college. Uh…high school.

JERRY

What are your future plans?

HILLARY

I’m thinking about running for mayor of New York City.

JERRY

Would you ever want to be president?

HILLARY

Not even if I was a Hill-Billy.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
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