[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump to Issue Posthumous Pardons

A number of historical figures to get posthumous pardons, according to reports.

To the dismay of the Attorney General and all legal consultants, President Trump has decided that if he can give preemptive pardons, it should also be within his powers to grant posthumous pardons. He has begun a list of both historical and recent figures on whom he will bestow this questionable gift.

Posthumous Pardons, Benedict Arnold
Benedict Arnold, painting by Thomas Hart.

The first person on the list is Benedict Arnold, who the President insists was completely misunderstood. “Just like the Left has unfairly criticized my relationships with Vladimir Putin and Kim Jon Un, it is very clear that this man was a victim of persecution.”

Second on the list is another major historical figure in U.S.history, John Wilkes Booth. After searching through various websites provided to him by the Grand Wizard, Trump has declared that what the history books have told us about John Wilkes Booth was based on the “fake news” of the time, planted by Left Wing abolitionists.

One person on the list Trump claims is “particularly dear to my heart,” is Charles Keating. He says he understands the mitigating circumstances best because they have both been in the real estate business. “It’s the losers who were to blame, not the man who gave them their investment opportunity.”

Drawn to colorful personalities, Trump has placed Al Capone on the list. He justifies his decision based on the fact that Capone was never convicted of a crime other than tax evasion, and “No one knows better than me about the dirty tactics the IRS uses against innocent people.”

Trump was planning to pardon Charles Manson, “because the kind of loyalty he was able to inspire was very much like my own.” Trump reconsidered only after he saw a photo of Sharon Tate and noted she was both beautiful and blonde.

He has even placed Mata Hari on the list after seeing her in what he calls her belly dancing outfit. When his aides reminded him that she was not sentenced and executed in the U.S., but in France, he said it doesn’t matter “because the U.S. saved France’s a.. in two wars.”

After learning that President Carter gave a blanket pardon to all draft dodgers, Trump is planning to issue a blanket pardon to anyone who has lied under oath. When his flabbergasted legal advisors and the entire Justice Department objected, he explained, “How can anyone be protected against self-incrimination if they can’t lie under oath?”

Even though the last person he plans to pardon did not have any legal action taken against him, Trump hopes his pardon will balance the character assassination to which he has been subjected. Risking alienation of his religious supporters, Trump has decided that his final pardon will be to Judas on the basis that he was just taking advantage of a good business opportunity. ‘The thirty pieces of silver probably didn’t even make up for the three years of following Jesus around without pay.”

Diane de Anda