[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Quirky New Varieties of Covid 19 Vaccine Released

A Slobovian pharmaceutical company releases strange new Covid 19 vaccine varieties.

A dispatch from SNN, the Slobovian News Network

Slobovian pharmaceutical giant Schnotteragge has announced that it is releasing both its Madonna and Michael Jackson varieties of its newly minted Covid 19 vaccine. The vaccines will be available free of charge worldwide.

new Covid 19 vaccineAccording to Schnotteragge’s chief medical officer, Dr. Mambo O’Schitte, the vaccine will be shipped to drugstores, hospitals and convenience stores worldwide immediately.

She also states that the newly created vaccine varies sharply from the popular Pfizer and Moderna vaccines so much in the news recently… the Schnotteragge vaccine only requires one dose and it is self-injectible.

The vaccine reportedly has a lifespan of 100 years. And unlike other varieties of Covid 19 vaccines, which are administered via intramuscular injection, the Schnotteragge vaccines must be injected into the genitals.

Side advantages of the new vaccines are that they will cure most popular STD’s, and kill crabs and other genital vermin.

In males the vaccine will prevent “blue balls” and in females will ward off the onset of Girl Flu.

There are some side effects. The Madonna variety may cause uncontrollable fits of voguing and cause fits of screaming that you are a virgin.

The Michael Jackson variety may cause an insatiable urge to ride a boogie and sleep with a chimp.

The company also announced that it has put a hold on its Prince variety of the vaccine because many test subjects began bleeding purple rain.

A PERSONAL NOTE: For the last 5 months this reporter has been MIA. He was kidnapped, held captive and tortured by the Schnottzelvakian underground, who suspected that he was a Slobovian Secret Service agent. He effected his release by carving a Mother Theresa mask from a bar of soap, sewing a nun’s habbit from a sheet and using urine to baptize his way out of the prison.

Ted Holland