Cruising for the Love Vote

“Courting voters is a lot like dating.” — The Chicago Tribune

The presumptive major party presidential nominees have posted the following profiles on … “Where desperate pols hook up with lonely voters.”

Screen Name: ReallyRed2012
Looking For: I am a traditional family man seeking eight-year relationship, with American citizen. Must have photo I.D.
About Me: Friends say I look great in a suit and am handsome in wax figure sort of way. It took me a while to find myself, but I settled on a path after meeting a fortune teller in Iowa, who read tea-party leaves that revealed my future as a true conservative.
Turn Ons: Whatever turns you on.
Turn Offs: Whatever turns you off.
Religion: Mormon, but would be willing to convert to evangelical Christianity for the far-right person.
Cruising for LoveFavorite T.V. Show: The entire Fox News lineup, except for Brett Baier interviews.
Favorite Book: “How To Win Friends And Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie.
Favorite Movie: Anything staring Ronald Reagan.
Favorite Vacation Destination: Cayman Islands.
Pets: I like elephants as well as dogs small enough to fit on the presidential limousine roof. I am not a varmint person.
What I Do To Relax : I love watching sports. I used to be a Red Sox fan, but now root for the Florida Marlins (Ozzie Guillen notwithstanding). I am also a huge Ohio State football fan. Go Bugeyes!
Perfect First Date: We look longingly at each other across a conference table in an intimate board room, while sipping decaffeinated coke (it’s okay if you prefer decaff tea). The evening is filled with laughter as we tell funny stories about firing people and make fun of Newt Gingrich. When our meeting is adjourned you tell me how natural I look in jeans.

Screen Name: Bluesbrother270
Looking For: I am a multicultural male seeking white blue-collar type for one night stand on November 5. I live in the Northeast, but travel frequently for business to Ohio and Florida.
About Me: I dated a lot of people on this site four years ago, but work took over my social life. I also got sidetracked by a medical issue that left scars. I am feeling healthy now and am back in circulation.
Turn Ons: Independent women, Spanish accents.
Turn Offs: People who have unrealistic expectations about relationships, and get angry when things don’t work out like they want.
Favorite T.V. Show: Downtown Abbey, Upstairs Downstairs (I watch on Netflix), 2Broke Girls.
Favorite Book: The Koran (just kidding!)
Favorite Movie: Wall Street
Favorite Song: Born In The U.S.A. by Bruce Springstein.
Favorite Travel Destination: Europe—at least I feel appreciated there.
What I Do To Relax: I play golf and tennis. I’ve recently taken up swing-state dancing.
Perfect First Date: We meet over bottles of domestic beer in a working class neighborhood in the Midwest. You ignore the dozens of T.V. cameras surrounding us and look longingly into my eyes, while I fantasize that my beer is a Napa Valley Chardonnay. You tear-up while telling me your hard-luck story and pretend not to notice when I double-talk my way around answering your question about lowering unemployment. You seem noncommittal, but I end the evening feeling confident that you will come around, once you see the other profiles on this site and realize what a bunch of losers are out there.

A version of this essay appeared in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette on April 27, 2012.

Ben Krull
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