Jerry Duncan Interviews Tommy Tuberville

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the newly elected Republican Senator from Alabama, Tommy Tuberville.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today my guest is the newly elected Republican Senator from Alabama, Tommy Tuberville.

TOMMY TUBERVILLE

Don’t talk to me until I have my caffeine fix. Ain’t you in Alaska, Duncan?

JERRY

Yep.

TOMMY

I bet you know Santa Claus.

JERRY

I do. The guy’s seen a psychiatrist more times than I can count. He no longer believes in himself.

TOMMY

That’s pretty bad. How do I break the news to Donald Trump?

JERRY

Don’t. Santa saved a lump of coal for his stocking next Christmas.

JERRY

So you were the head football coach at Auburn from 1999-2008. Even coached at Ole Miss 13 years prior.

TOMMY

I know my football.

JERRY

Okay. What do you call a 350 pound Packer fan?

TOMMY

(thinks) Crap. I should know the answer.

JERRY

Give up?

TOMMY

Yeah.

JERRY

An anorexic.

TOMMY

That’s right.

JERRY

You say dumb things, Tommy Boy. Are you up for the job as Senator?

TOMMY

Yes, I am. What dumb things, Duncan?

JERRY

You said, “World War 2 was fought to free Europe from socialism.”

TOMMY

Brain fart. I meant capitalism.

JERRY

Ever hear of a guy named Hitler?

TOMMY

Yeah. He’s in QAnon. I keep hearing people at our meetings yell “Heil Hitler.”

JERRY

Here’s a gem from you about the three branches of government. And I quote, “You know…the House, the Senate and the Executive.”

TOMMY

Yes. Executive.The president is an executive. He runs our country.

JERRY

It’s the legislative, executive and judicial.

TOMMY

Of course, it is. I was just pulling your chain.

JERRY

In 2008, you created TS Capital Partners to help fund investors. In 2012, 7 investors sued, saying they were defrauded of more than $1.7 million that they invested in your company over 3 years.

TOMMY

I got scammed, too. Bought a book on the internet on How To Scam People and still haven’t received it.

JERRY

Tell me some things we should know about Alabama.

TOMMY

O.J. Simpson wanted to move to Alabama, because everyone has the same DNA.

JERRY

Okay.

TOMMY

Reruns of Hee Haw are documentaries.

JERRY

No argument there.

TOMMY

Johnny Cash didn’t see the train a comin.

JERRY

Poor Johnny. May he rest in peace.

JERRY

Last year, you decided to run against Jeff Sessions in the Alabama Senate Republican primary. And you beat him. Then you went on to become Senator defeating Democrat Doug Jones. Instead of saying something intelligent like most politicians, you reverted to your comfort zone..stupidity. And I quote, “I am looking forward to raising money from my Senate office.”

TOMMY

Why not?

JERRY

It’s a violation of federal law.

TOMMY

That’s fake news. President Trump got cash in the White House for giving out pardons. In my book, two wrongs make a right.

JERRY

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.