Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the newly elected Republican Senator from Alabama, Tommy Tuberville.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today my guest is the newly elected Republican Senator from Alabama, Tommy Tuberville.
Don’t talk to me until I have my caffeine fix. Ain’t you in Alaska, Duncan?
JERRY
Yep.
TOMMY
I bet you know Santa Claus.
JERRY
I do. The guy’s seen a psychiatrist more times than I can count. He no longer believes in himself.
TOMMY
That’s pretty bad. How do I break the news to Donald Trump?
JERRY
Don’t. Santa saved a lump of coal for his stocking next Christmas.
JERRY
So you were the head football coach at Auburn from 1999-2008. Even coached at Ole Miss 13 years prior.
TOMMY
I know my football.
JERRY
Okay. What do you call a 350 pound Packer fan?
TOMMY
(thinks) Crap. I should know the answer.
JERRY
Give up?
TOMMY
Yeah.
JERRY
An anorexic.
TOMMY
That’s right.
JERRY
You say dumb things, Tommy Boy. Are you up for the job as Senator?
TOMMY
Yes, I am. What dumb things, Duncan?
JERRY
You said, “World War 2 was fought to free Europe from socialism.”
TOMMY
Brain fart. I meant capitalism.
JERRY
Ever hear of a guy named Hitler?
TOMMY
Yeah. He’s in QAnon. I keep hearing people at our meetings yell “Heil Hitler.”
JERRY
Here’s a gem from you about the three branches of government. And I quote, “You know…the House, the Senate and the Executive.”
TOMMY
Yes. Executive.The president is an executive. He runs our country.
JERRY
It’s the legislative, executive and judicial.
TOMMY
Of course, it is. I was just pulling your chain.
JERRY
In 2008, you created TS Capital Partners to help fund investors. In 2012, 7 investors sued, saying they were defrauded of more than $1.7 million that they invested in your company over 3 years.
TOMMY
I got scammed, too. Bought a book on the internet on How To Scam People and still haven’t received it.
JERRY
Tell me some things we should know about Alabama.
TOMMY
O.J. Simpson wanted to move to Alabama, because everyone has the same DNA.
JERRY
Okay.
TOMMY
Reruns of Hee Haw are documentaries.
JERRY
No argument there.
TOMMY
Johnny Cash didn’t see the train a comin.
JERRY
Poor Johnny. May he rest in peace.
JERRY
Last year, you decided to run against Jeff Sessions in the Alabama Senate Republican primary. And you beat him. Then you went on to become Senator defeating Democrat Doug Jones. Instead of saying something intelligent like most politicians, you reverted to your comfort zone..stupidity. And I quote, “I am looking forward to raising money from my Senate office.”
TOMMY
Why not?
JERRY
It’s a violation of federal law.
TOMMY
That’s fake news. President Trump got cash in the White House for giving out pardons. In my book, two wrongs make a right.
JERRY
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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