[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Going Mainstream: UK’s Michael Gove Disturbed at Covid’s ‘Creeping Expertism!’

Michael Gove furious that the Tories have finally succumbed to the siren song of mainstream science.

After railing for years against billionaire purple property luvvies and experts, Michael Gove is furious the Tories have finally succumbed to the siren song of mainstream science.

Michael Gove
Michael Gove.

Yes, that’s right! Emaciated Dadrock Van Halen / Doomrock Van Helsing lookalike and all-round ghoulish something of the night about ’em wrongun Michael ‘Sherbet Emperor’ Gove has recently revived his age-old (some would say UNDEAD!) War on Experts.

Although there were already some previous alternative science measures, like cornering the global cocaine industry to make a Brexit Boom or basically letting half the country get the sherbet snuffles (we had to warn him Coronavirus was just that LITTLE bit worse than snorting some bloody coke off a dead pig’s arse, or indeed a turkey’s)…

Well, this time it’s just gone too far.

Frankly, I think people have had enough of unelected, unaccountable experts telling them what to do.

Just because someone is some pompous, out of touch, elitist, arrogant, self-indulgent narcissist who has spent three or four years posh-wanking their way through Oxford and Cambridge, and no doubt completely lacking in the slightest modicum of self-reflection, it doesn’t mean their opinion is better than anyone else’s!

Personally, I’m going to speak my own truth here: I don’t see why when my constituents come and tell me that breaking up their fridge and making him guzzle the cooling fluid somehow cured their grandfather’s Coronavirus, sciatica and Tory Derangement Syndrome and there hasn’t been a single peep of discredited Marxist nonsense from him ever since, that I have to somehow deny their lived experiences!

I think we have a terrible problem when nihilistic, ultra-Parisian, unreconstructed postmodern intellectuals are constantly shoving their trite cliches and overrated, pompous, sententiously grandiloquent jargon down our throats, maybe they need to remember facts don’t care about your feelings!

Now I’m sure the Guardian and other deeply, DEEPLY offensive fake news outlets and billionaire snowflakes are going to trig out at hearing an opinion they don’t agree with, but maybe they should just SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP DENYING MY TRUTH!

Gove is currently rumored to be running through the last ten boxes of Kleenex in a safe space in the Cayman Islands.


Pretty safe for SOME things, at least.

We were gonna tell him:

Dry yer eyes, boyo!

But then he muttered something about how the Kleenex was for something else, and who cares anyway because it’s my end of the world party and I’ll, I’ll do whatever if I want to, and if you don’t stop offending me I WILL STAMP AND STAMP UNTIL I AM SICK!

The bottom 7 billion or so smallest violins in the world are getting plucked til they can pluck no more.

Not unlike…

Well, I guess we can just leave it at that.

Originally published on Glossy News Satire.

Jonathan Ferguson