[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Coronavirus Relief Negotiations Stall Over Cap on Thoughts & Prayers

Negotiations stall between Senate Republicans and Democrats over a controversial limit on federally-provided thoughts and prayers.

Days of talks between Senate Republicans and Democrats saw negotiations stall as an impasse was reached late Tuesday over federally-provided thoughts and prayers in the next coronavirus relief bill. According to health experts, those resources are desperately needed to combat the surge in coronavirus cases across the Sun Belt. Senate Democrats have been pushing for as much as the states need, while Republicans support a strict cap, citing a lack of available sympathy.

negotiations stall, Mitch McConnell“Government should not be in the business of opening our hearts willy-nilly,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to reporters on Tuesday. “We’ve exhausted much of the available T&P [thoughts and prayers] over the last few years. To push for any more sympathy from Washington stinks of socialism, and we will not turn this great country into a Marxist wasteland where the government helps their citizens in a crisis.”

This all comes as the situation in America’s south and west continues to spiral out of control with case and death records broken nearly every day. Some governors in these states, however, agree with the Republican stance. Ron DeSantis, governor of Florida, praised McConnell’s stubbornness, saying, “We don’t need their [the federal government’s] help. Things are fine here. The sun’s out, the water’s warm, and I have an awesome pair of new swim trunks I can’t wait to try out!”

As hospitals run short on necessary resources, the FBI has reportedly been seizing illegally stockpiled T&P. One woman in Texas had her home raided by federal agents who confiscated over 7,500 thoughts and 9,000 prayers. “It’s wrong what they’re doing!” she later said to reporters. “I was saving those for the president if that do-nothing Joe Biden wins in November. After all the cases and investigations against him, he’s going to need it!”

Even if the Senate is eventually able to agree, it’s unlikely the White House will pass the measure. The Trump Administration has taken an even more extreme stance than Senate Republicans and has refused to allocate any T&P for coronavirus relief. Instead they have used it to support Ghislaine Maxwell, alleged accomplice to deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Russell Vought, acting director of the Office of Management and Budget, defended the use and told us, “We’re using T&P where the president thinks it will do the most good. For the sake of the country, we need Ms. Maxwell to keep quiet, especially about anything pertaining to the president prior to him taking office.”

When pressed for details, Mr. Vought ignored reporters and returned to his office in the Eighth Circle of Hell which he shares with Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.

Evan Helmlinger