[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Fox News Headliners Adjust to Changed Roles Under New Owner Jeff Bezos

Bezos has set radically new roles for Fox News headliners since his surprise takeover of the network.

Fox News Headliners
Fox News headliners put on brave faces in new roles.

In a hurriedly called press conference, Jeff Bezos has announced that he has purchased Fox News for an undisclosed amount. He indicated that his purpose in buying the network was to “clean the airwaves of ‘fake news’ and general lunacy.”

He is totally revamping its programming, but will keep some Fox News headliners on until their contracts expire. However, they will be given entirely new roles in the new programming. If they choose to leave rather than accept these roles, they will be sued for breach of contract.

Sean Hannity will still have his own show, but it will now be called The Shame on Sean Show (Mr. Bezos loves alliteration.). Sitting atop a high platform, Sean will give a ten minute presentation of his latest right wing tropes or conspiracy theories (myths) that have no factual basis. This will be followed by a twenty minute multimedia presentation by The Lincoln Project, totally refuting his statements with factual evidence. At the end of the presentation, a multi-ethnic choir will come on stage and sing the theme song “Shame on Sean” as the chair flips forward and catapults him into a vat of bull… below.

A major portion of the network’s air time will be devoted to children’s programming. This will include several remakes of children’s classics of which Mr. Bezos is particularly fond. The traditional Punch and Judy puppets will be replaced by Fox News headliners Tucker Carlson dressed as Punch and Laura Ingram as Judy, on a large puppet theater set with traditional story lines during which they beat each other over the head with rubber clubs.

Rush Limbaugh, who had signed a contract for guest appearances throughout the year, will zip back and forth across the set dressed as Clarabell the Clown (wearing his Medal of Honor), honking his horn between shows.

Bill Nye, the Science Guy, will be hosting a science show for children (and their parents) to refute the numerous examples of erroneous scientific information Fox News has presented over the years. The first lesson, which has already been taped, was on the effects of global warming, with a demonstration of the melting of the glacial ice pack.

The demonstration consisted of encasing Kimberly Guilfoyle dressed as a Yeti in a mountain of shaved ice and then turning on heat lamps above it and watching it melt. Bill Nye then provided two lessons, one on the effects of glacial melting on sea level and the Yeti as a myth when he pulled the head off the Yeti costume. When Guilfoyle’s head was revealed, the children in the audience began screaming and continued to scream until Bill Nye replaced the Yeti head.

The jazz group that created the popular song “Trump is Gone” will open and close the network programming with the variation “Fox is Gone” at the end of which Simon Cowell will hit the gold buzzer and shower them and Bezos with a hail of gold confetti.

Diane de Anda