America’s right wing is at risk of running out of serviceable conspiracy theories. Here’s a few ideas!
America’s right wing is at risk of running out of serviceable conspiracy theories. Although old standbys like the Illuminati and the New World Order can do in a pinch, after a while, they tend to lose their luster and pseudo-credibility.
From my perspective, the last strong conspiracy theory was Pizzagate, Hillary Clinton’s alleged pedophile ring run out of a Washington, D.C. pizzeria. But that was four years ago and there’s been a creative lapse since then.
These folks desperately need some new theories to attack their opponents and to buttress their support for Donald Trump. So, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, I offer the following selection for their consideration:
In early January of 2017 just before he left office, Barack Obama engaged a small army of his Muslim Marxist supporters to raid the national repository of toilet paper. The plan was to destabilize America’s bathroom tissue supply chain and thereby bring the country to its knees. They managed to secretly load over a billion tons on a ship headed east and south around the Cape of Good Hope to Kenya. To those who doubt this fact, just ask yourself why you have never heard of a toilet paper shortage in East Africa.
The Wuhan Virus
Some folks think that China created the coronavirus with the intent of infecting America. But the truth is that the Deep State developed the virus in China with the intent of spreading it to America to undermine the Trump administration. It almost worked but, ironically, thanks to the courageous rapid action of the very same Donald Trump, the pandemic damage was limited to a mere 100,000 American deaths.
Hillary Clinton, the Procurer
It can now be revealed that, for years, Hillary Clinton procured countless young female virgins to satiate the needs of her husband Bill. It turns out that they were not necessarily kidnapped for his sexual pleasure but rather to provide the necessary pure blood that he had to consume in order to survive. The truth of this nefarious plot was recently confirmed when medical experts tested the pale-skinned, sunlight-averse former president and discovered that he was well over 175 years old.
The Big Mac Attack
Somehow a group of young leftwing interns was able to be hired on as White House kitchen staff acting as cooks and servers. They were able to switch out food orders for President Trump making sure that he had an unhealthy cholesterol-and-sugar-laden diet comprised mostly of KFC, Big Macs and Diet Coke. Their attempt to clog the President’s arteries and ultimately cause a stroke or heart attack was defeated by the fact that he was the healthiest person ever elected to the presidency.
The Protocols of the Teammates of Zion
The National Basketball Association has suspended its season and not a moment too soon given the devious plans of some of the league’s players led by New Orleans Pelicans’ power forward Zion Williamson. Left to their own designs, this cabal of oversized athletes was intent on highjacking the entire league and turning it into a socialist enterprise. Luckily, the forces of capitalism prevailed as the current pandemic exposed the players’ evil plans.