Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Dr. Deborah Birx, Coronavirus Response Coordinator.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Coronavirus Response Coordinator for the Trump Administration Dr. Deborah Burps.
DR. DEBORAH BIRX
It’s pronounced Birx.
JERRY
Get a sense of humor, Doc. A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.
BIRX
This must be a mistake. I’m supposed to be on Dr. Phil.
JERRY
He’s not really a doctor.
BIRX
Oh? Maybe it’s Dr. Ruth.
JERRY
Dr. Ruth? She’s so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories of her youth.
BIRX
Okay, Duncan. I’ll stay. If I can survive Trump, I can survive anything.
JERRY
Birxster. I think it’s scary that doctors call what they do “practice.”
BIRX
To be fair, I always tell my patients that crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
JERRY
You’re 63 years old. Buy your clothes at garage sales and you were a colonel in the Army for 14 years.
BIRX
Don’t tell my mother. She thinks I played piano at Nordstrom.
JERRY
The CDC recommends social distancing and washing your hands constantly to avoid getting the coronavirus. But Trump said we should try an injection of Lysol into our lungs.
BIRX
Trump’s correct. THE VIRUS DIES AND SO DO WE!! It’s a good thing I was wearing Depends when he made the remark.
JERRY
Trump said today that he was just being sarcastic. What he meant to say was ethanol, not Lysol.
BIRX
Good. For a second I was worried. Trump should try it. What does he got to lose?
JERRY
Unemployment has reached The Great Depression levels. People need to go back to work. What are your recommendations?
BIRX
We need more testing before that can happen safely. Except in the states that don’t believe in science like Georgia, Florida, Arkansas, etc. Go for it Republican Governors. People want tattoos and haircuts.
JERRY
The Federal government hasn’t ordered enough test kits. The Trumpster is unwilling to get involved with testing and said states are on their own. It’s a free for all, Birxster.
BIRX
Mr. Duncan. I always say where there is a will, there is a relative. Don’t worry.
The studio door slams shut as Trump enters.
DONALD TRUMP
Ethanol. Ethanol. Made from corn. Corn flakes are packed with protein. Good for lungs. Good for lungs.
JERRY
Hold on there, Orangutan. Ethanol is used for gasoline. Your daily briefings are full of misinformation.
TRUMP
For your information. Ethanol is also used in alcohol. That’s why Mitch McConnell drank it as a preventative measure.
JERRY
And what happened to the Turtle?
TRUMP
The good news is they found his shell. The bad news is they can’t find the rest of him. No worries. No worries.
JERRY
The economy is in the crapper. There is a bill in Congress with bipartisan support for the Federal government to reimburse states $500 billion as a bailout. Are you in favor?
TRUMP
Let me ask Deborah.
TRUMP
(menacing look) What do you think Dr. B?
BIRX
Let the blue states eat cake! They need to declare bankruptcy. No money for small businesses, no medicaid, no money for schools, cities, counties and testing for coronavirus.
TRUMP
There you have it, Duncan. And let me add one more thing. No oversight by the FDA.
BIRX
(cries)
Boo hoo. Boo hoo.
JERRY
Why are you crying?
BIRX
I lied. The Trumpster made me say these things. He only wants to bail out casinos, the cruise ship industry, oil companies, airlines and Trump hotels.
TRUMP
Drink chlorine, hydroxychloroquine, Clorox and snake oil liniment. Kills the virus. Kills the virus. Deborah, your glasses are so thick that when you look at your reports you see the letters waving. You’re fired!
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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