The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Dr. Deborah Birx, Coronavirus Response Coordinator

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Dr. Deborah Birx, Coronavirus Response Coordinator.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Coronavirus Response Coordinator for the Trump Administration Dr. Deborah Burps.

Deborah Birx, DonkeyHotey
Dr Deborah Birx, caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

DR. DEBORAH BIRX

It’s pronounced Birx.

JERRY

Get a sense of humor, Doc. A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.

BIRX

This must be a mistake. I’m supposed to be on Dr. Phil.

JERRY

He’s not really a doctor.

BIRX

Oh? Maybe it’s Dr. Ruth.

JERRY

Dr. Ruth? She’s so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories of her youth.

BIRX

Okay, Duncan. I’ll stay. If I can survive Trump, I can survive anything.

JERRY

Birxster. I think it’s scary that doctors call what they do “practice.”

BIRX

To be fair, I always tell my patients that crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

JERRY

You’re 63 years old. Buy your clothes at garage sales and you were a colonel in the Army for 14 years.

BIRX

Don’t tell my mother. She thinks I played piano at Nordstrom.

JERRY

The CDC recommends social distancing and washing your hands constantly to avoid getting the coronavirus. But Trump said we should try an injection of Lysol into our lungs.

BIRX

Trump’s correct. THE VIRUS DIES AND SO DO WE!! It’s a good thing I was wearing Depends when he made the remark.

JERRY

Trump said today that he was just being sarcastic. What he meant to say was ethanol, not Lysol.

BIRX

Good. For a second I was worried. Trump should try it. What does he got to lose?

JERRY

Unemployment has reached The Great Depression levels. People need to go back to work. What are your recommendations?

BIRX

We need more testing before that can happen safely. Except in the states that don’t believe in science like Georgia, Florida, Arkansas, etc. Go for it Republican Governors. People want tattoos and haircuts.

JERRY

The Federal government hasn’t ordered enough test kits. The Trumpster is unwilling to get involved with testing and said states are on their own. It’s a free for all, Birxster.

BIRX

Mr. Duncan. I always say where there is a will, there is a relative. Don’t worry.

The studio door slams shut as Trump enters.

DONALD TRUMP

Ethanol. Ethanol. Made from corn. Corn flakes are packed with protein. Good for lungs. Good for lungs.

JERRY

Hold on there, Orangutan. Ethanol is used for gasoline. Your daily briefings are full of misinformation.

TRUMP

For your information. Ethanol is also used in alcohol. That’s why Mitch McConnell drank it as a preventative measure.

JERRY

And what happened to the Turtle?

TRUMP

The good news is they found his shell. The bad news is they can’t find the rest of him. No worries. No worries.

JERRY

The economy is in the crapper. There is a bill in Congress with bipartisan support for the Federal government to reimburse states $500 billion as a bailout. Are you in favor?

TRUMP

Let me ask Deborah.

TRUMP

(menacing look) What do you think Dr. B?

BIRX

Let the blue states eat cake! They need to declare bankruptcy. No money for small businesses, no medicaid, no money for schools, cities, counties and testing for coronavirus.

TRUMP

There you have it, Duncan. And let me add one more thing. No oversight by the FDA.

BIRX

(cries)

Boo hoo. Boo hoo.

JERRY

Why are you crying?

BIRX

I lied. The Trumpster made me say these things. He only wants to bail out casinos, the cruise ship industry, oil companies, airlines and Trump hotels.

TRUMP

Drink chlorine, hydroxychloroquine, Clorox and snake oil liniment. Kills the virus. Kills the virus. Deborah, your glasses are so thick that when you look at your reports you see the letters waving. You’re fired!

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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