Late-night Twitter habit is all about sexual frustration, says Dr Hyman Schadenfreud, new White House psychiatrist.
WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump’s increasingly bizarre behavior, including his unhinged twitter habit, is the product of extreme and persistent sexual deprivation, according to Dr Hyman Schadenfreud, newly-appointed presidential psychiatrist at the White House.
“Ze poor man is goink inzane,” Dr Schadenfreud said pityingly, in an exclusive interview with the Humor Times. “Ever zince ze Shtormy Daniels revelations, Frau Trump has been refusink all zexual relations vis him, und as ve all know, his little fingers must grab pussy at least vunce a day.”
Dr Schadenfreud, who was appointed White House shrink in March at the request of Trump’s “desperate” Chief-of-Staff , John Kelly, said that Mrs Trump had finally come “unshtuck” when she learned of the Stormy Daniels affair.
“Und vun cannot blame ze poor voman,” Dr Schadenfreud said. “After all, ze Fuhrer, excuse me, ze President, vos apparently shticking his vick in Fraulein Daniels almost on ze very day Melania was givink birth to yunk Barron. Even for an experienced zychiatrist such as myzelf, zis shtinks.”
Dr Schadenfreud added that the President’s predilection for being whacked on his tighty-whities with copies of financial magazines featuring himself, had “evolved.” Trump now spends most of his evenings and early mornings visiting Stormy Daniels websites, “und perhaps vun or two udders, no pun intended,” he sniggered. Instead of “Shpanky,” the doctor revealed, his staff now refer to him as “Vanky.”
The President’s psychiatrist noted that his fixation on busty blondes who resemble his oldest daughter was no coincidence. “Actually,” he snorted with a twinkle, “I privately refer to her as ‘Iwanker,’ if you get my meanink.” He said that Trump’s late-night, early-morning Twitter storms were all sublimated self-gratification, and his obsession with Fox News partly a result of its policy of featuring leggy blondes in short skirts.
“Let us be frank,” he said, “a 71 year-old man does not have the recovery powers of a teenage boy. In Herr Trump’s case, he has to do somesing vis his fingers when he’s exhausted but still horny, und tveeting avay is a blessed relief. Zis may be ze reason too zat Melania so famously swatted away his hand when he tried to touch her. She knows vere dose fingers have been, ja?”
The doctor went on to speculate that Trump’s foreign and domestic policies were also driven by sexual frustration. “Shlapping tariffs on China und sending troops to ze Mexican border are all displacement activities,” he said. “What he is sayink is, if I can’t have it, neizer can you, ha ha.”
Dr Schadenfreud wound up by expressing the hope that he would eventually be appointed Surgeon General. “Let’s face it,” he said, “Herr Trump is screwing the country up so bad it’s going to take an expert in sexual disorders to get America’s head straight again. Like ve say, Oedipus-Shmoedipus, so long as you love your motherland, who cares?”