The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Florida Governor Ron DeSantis

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

Ron DeSantis DonkeyHotey
Ron DeSantis caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com

JERRY

Welcome, Governor.

RON DESANTIS

Not thrilled to be here. But I need the publicity.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

DESANTIS

Who’s there?

JERRY

Jerry.

DESANTIS

Jerry who?

JERRY

Gerrymandering. You changed the boundaries in Florida so Republicans can win elections.

DESANTIS

That’s an outdated term, Duncan. It’s called “Cheat To Defeat.” Perfectly legal.

JERRY

Hold that thought. I have breaking news. The Mars Rover found your birth mother an hour ago.

DESANTIS

Oh, man. No wonder I crave Mars bars and trips to Roswell, New Mexico.

JERRY

Exactly, big fella.

JERRY

Let’s get to the fun facts. You are 43 years old. Went to Yale and graduated from Harvard law school. Even played baseball at Yale.

DESANTIS

Yep.

JERRY

U.S. Congressman from Florida in 2013-18. Judge Advocate in the Naval Reserve. Deployed to Iraq with the SEAL team as a legal advisor. All good.

DESANTIS

There is no bad.

JERRY

Not so fast, altar boy. You’re against DACA. Oppose recreational marijuana. Against a minimum wage increase. Drafted legislation to protect Confederate monuments this year, and support election law restrictions.

DESANTIS

What’s the point?

JERRY

You’re a douchebag, Ronnie. So 80’s. Everything in Florida is in the 80’s. The temperature, humidity and your IQ. You’re living in yesterday.

DESANTIS

No. I’m not! I oppose mask mandates. I’m selling merchandise for my re-election campaign with cool slogans like “Don’t Fauci My Florida” on T-shirts. And I train alligators to circumcise baby boys in Miami.

JERRY

Flipper the Dolphin is dying to join our conversation. He’s pissed off about cruise ships on his turf. Can I let him talk?

DESANTIS

What the hell? Go ahead.

Jerry calls Flipper.

JERRY

Flipper. It’s Jerry Duncan.

FLIPPER THE DOLPHIN

EEEE EEEEEEEEE. Put pimple puss on the line.

JERRY

Okay. Here we go.

All three on the call.

DESANTIS

What’s the problem, Blubber?

FLIPPER

It’s Flipper. And I got a problem with you!

DESANTIS

Bring it on.

FLIPPER

There are dozens of loan sharks cutting in on my turf. Selling condos to Jellyfish. Our property values have gone south. What’s even worse are cruise ships polluting the water.

DESANTIS

Are you sure it’s not the Miami Dolphins? I’m staying the course.

FLIPPER

You mark my word, Governor. Florida will be under water some day and I’ll be sleeping with you and your wife in a waterbed. EEEEE EEEEEEEEE.

DESANTIS

(sweating)

I’m gonna have nightmares thinking about that bubblehead.

JERRY

Probably, Climate Change Denier. By the way, I don’t think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when you think.

JERRY

See you tomorrow.

 

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The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

 

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