[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Japan Reveals Plans for Spectacular Additions to Olympics

Spectacular surprise additions considered for some events to make sure that records were broken.

Olympic Committee Objects

Japan was so disappointed with the limitations the pandemic placed on their Olympics, that they had planned a variety of spectacular surprise additions to some of the events to make sure that records were broken and that the Tokyo Olympics would go down in history as an extraordinary piece of showmanship. Their plan would insure that the athletes would perform any sport involving speed at a rate no one thought was possible.

Spectacular Anaconda
Anaconda. Photo by Daniel10ortegaven.

Fortunately for the athletes, the plans leaked out and the Olympic Committee nixed the entire thing, swearing all involved to secrecy so it would not be detrimental to the Olympic’s reputation. However, a member of the Olympic Committee who was in favor of Japan’s plan, was able to provide this reporter with documents describing a few of the startling additions that had been planned for the program.

A number of “motivating devices” had been planned for the swimming competitions to encourage swimmers to increase their speed toward the end of the final lap. In one, anacondas were going to be released in the final quarter of the race.

Similarly, near the end of the last lap in one track and field event, big cats were to be released onto the track. To reduce the danger, cheetahs were excluded. Veterinarians were poised with tranquilizer guns, but the athletes were not appraised of this until after the race. In another, phosphorescent powder was embedded in the form of a long fuse in the middle of each lane to be lit toward the end of the last lap.

One slight modification was made to the pole vaulting apparatus. A small pool with a couple of crocodiles was to be built in front of the landing mat, encouraging the athletes to make a high arc that would propel them beyond the smiling reptiles.

Some additional events were scheduled for pure theatrics. Before the top three were to be awarded their medals in boxing, they had to go three rounds with a 200 pound kangaroo. It was recognized that an Australian contender might have a slight advantage. If the kangaroo won by a knock-out, the kangaroo was awarded the opponent’s medal. As the Japanese are great lovers of visual puns, the three fencing medalists were to be required to battle it out with a swordfish and then slice it up with their foils for sushi.

To end the festivities on a lighter note, two sumo wrestlers had been training for months to compete on the balance beam. Each has a signature landing technique, the pancake and the cannonball.

Diane de Anda