Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/3/21

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Rudy Giuliani’s dick pics, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

dick pics
One thing this world does not need is Rudy Giuliani dick pics.

Rudy Giuliani’s election fraud hotline was inundated with ‘thousands of dick pics’

So, they just sent Rudy pics of Rudy?

Opening ceremony kicks off the Tokyo Olympics as Naomi Osaka lights cauldron

Personally, I’m looking forward to Lori Laughlin’s kids winning Olympic medals in crew.

Trump lawyer Jenna Ellis and RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel were fighting on Twitter

It was like watching white on really, really white crime.

FAA says Bezos can’t claim to be an Astronaut

Although given the shape of the rocket, he can claim to be a sperm cell.

The Cleveland Indians are now the Guardians

… While the Cleveland Cavaliers continue to not guard anyone.

3 Senate Democrats draft plan to end federal ban on marijuana

What did they say they were going to do again?

Piers Morgan trashes Simone Biles’ mental health stance in separate rants

Piers Morgan’s pronouns are now who/cares.

GOP Rep. Brooks wore body armor during a speech on January 6

Body armor and no mask … great, he’s more worried about getting shot than getting a shot.

Happy 78th Birthday, Mick Jagger

You’ll always look great as long as you keep standing next to Keith Richards.

Jamie Lynn Spears’ husband was caught looking at Britney’s Instagram

In fairness, I check the stock market every single day to see how I’m doing.

Infomercial king Ron Popeil has died at 86

His family said they’ll repeat the announcement over and over again from 1:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m.

After Hannity’s viral plea to ‘take COVID seriously,’ Tucker Carlson continues to promote vaccine skepticism

When it comes to vaccines, Tucker Carlson is trying to kill the Messenger RNA.

Scottie Pippen rents out $2M mansion on Airbnb so fans can watch Olympics from his pool

Yeah, but good luck making it past all those bridges he’s burning.

Trump ally Tom Barrack’s bond was set at $250 million

… Which literally makes him a Bond Villain …

Paul Lander
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