Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the sexy vaccine costume, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The sexy vaccine costume has arrived

Be careful wearing it, everybody will think they got a shot!

Vikings crossed the Atlantic almost 500 years before Columbus, new evidence shows

They made it to Detroit, kicked the Lions asses, rowed home.

Biden’s $3.5 Trillion ‘Build Back Better’ plan could be slashed to $1.9 trillion

So, let’s just change the name from ‘Build Back Better’ to ‘build back better’ and move on.

America isn’t running out of everything just because of a supply-chain crisis. America is running out everything because Americans are buying so much stuff.

Welp, Americans have always spent like a bunch of drunken salers.

R. Kelly won’t be sentenced until next year

So, he may still ‘believe he can fly,’ but that ain’t happening without a judge’s order and an electric ankle bracelet.

Kyrie Irving still sitting out because of ‘Rona vaxx

… to be fair, last time Kyrie took a shot that mattered, he was in Cleveland with Bron!

Texas official to teachers: State law requires teaching ‘opposing’ views on the Holocaust

Also, look for student tours of the Alamo to begin, “‘Remember the Alamo,’ but first an opposing point of view.”

Happy 90th birthday, William Shatner

And, a happy 67th to his hair.

Some Notre Dame students and faculty outraged by proposed campus Chick-fil-A

Personally, I’m giving up on Chick-fil-A until they’re more-gay friendly. So, I’m done until I see on the menu, at the very least, a Chick on Chick Fil-A sandwich.

Jay Leno stunned by new GMC Hummer EV test drive

Even more stunned was Conan O’Brien whose new GMC Hummer EV was missing from his garage…

Why is Postmaster General DeJoy still in office?

He makes great Chinese food? Oh wait, that’s La Choy. Never mind.

Microsoft president Brad Smith reportedly told Bill Gates to stop emailing female employees ‘more than a decade ago’

Guess that’s why they never released that email program: “Who Wants To See My Junk Mail?”

Marjorie Taylor Greene had a meltdown over the house criminal referral for Steve Bannon

Which usually only happens when you pour water on her.

Zuckerberg lost six billion dollars in one day

… so, he had to reach behind his couch cushions to make up the difference …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)