[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Making Flying Great Again, Italian Style

CEO changing things at Italian airline to “make flying great again” after flight attendants protest by stripping to underwear.

Alitalia, the Italian airliner, which had eluded profitability for so many years, flew its last flight last week. Italia Trasporto Aereo S.p.A. (ITA) took over for Alitalia the following day after having paid 90 million euros for the beleaguered airline brand. But ITA announced that it will only take on 3,000 of Alitalia’s 10,000 employees and those they do retain will be paid significantly less.

Making Flying Great Again
Italian airline determined to “make flying great again.”

The next day dozens of the former carrier’s flight attendants shocked the residents of Rome when they stripped off their uniforms and engaged in a silent protest on the streets of the capital clad only in their undergarments.

After the half-naked protest, the ITA CEO, in a hastily prepared news conference, stunned reporters when he stated that the airline was rethinking its strategy after seeing the R-rated performance.

The carrier now plans to ditch the flight attendants uniforms while in flight as management now realized the flight attendants (both male and female) could also double as strippers. He then revealed that they would be immediately changing the name of the airline to Godiva Air and that it would be staffed mainly with a female crew. He projected that the move should lead to a pick-up in travelers wanting to fly the airline, especially among young men and old degenerates.

At the same time, he said that to be politically correct, they would be launching another airline called Chippendale Air which would have a predominantly male crew and was expected to dramatically increase the number of cougar travelers. This part of the article all perverts wish were true.

The CEO went on to say that the move would be a win/win situation. He stated that everyone likes a good air show, and most people will sincerely enjoy this one. So, he believes that the extra passenger revenue will allow them to re-hire more of the former Alitalia employees, including most of the hotter ones.

He also claimed that the flight attendants on both airlines would likely make up for the lower salary with tips. The tips would be small, he assumed, with most tips being small euro or dollar bills, but that could add up on a long flight especially when they are again serving alcohol.

The CEO indicated that there would also be a safety benefit associated with eliminating the uniforms. Now, he said, when the crew requests the passengers full attention as they demonstrate the safety features of the aircraft, they will actually get their undivided attention.

The CEO then concluded by saying that he imagined that this is what the Wright Brothers had in mind when they helped invent the airplane.

The Godiva/Chippendale idea is long overdue. Air travel had become torturous with flight delays, canceled flights, obnoxious kids and crying babies. And to make matters worse, they stopped serving alcohol! Now how are we supposed to cope?

With this new strategy, Godiva Air and Chippendale Air will take the travelers’ minds off how horrible air travel is and will make flying great again. It’s baffling that Trump Airlines didn’t think of this years ago.

So now when a pilot tells the flight attendants to “prepare for take-off” it may have a whole new meaning. And when they say “sit back, relax and enjoy the flight” you actually will, at least on these new Italian airlines.

JC Wade
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