Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews a housewife in Wasilla, Alaska.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Who knows? Today on the show my guest is Maude Riley, a housewife here in Wasilla, Alaska.
JERRY
Good morning, Maude.
MAUDE RILEY
Mornin.
JERRY
You’re here to announce you are running in the Republican primary for Senate against the incumbent Senator Lisa Murkowski.
RILEY
Yep. She might be popular in Poland, but not here.
JERRY
C’mon. The Senator is a skier, hiker, fisherman. She is what Alaska is all about.
RILEY
Nope. Where was the ninny when the state banned rectal thermometers? Just because Sarah Palin said it caused brain damage.
JERRY
All I know is Senator Merbuski, Moswaski, I mean Murkowski is always looking for ways to make energy more efficient. Oil and natural gas are the driving force of the Alaskan economy.
RILEY
Speakin of gas. Before COVID, I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough. No one should have to do that in Alaska. No more COVID vaccines!
JERRY
Okay, Ms. Anti-Vaxxer. Tell us about your convoluted self.
RILEY
I come from a rough childhood, Duncan. My old lady buried three husbands. And two of them were just nappin. I never had any stability growin up. One day the dope stared at a can of orange juice for 12 hours, because it said “concentrate.” No wonder I became an alcoholic.
JERRY
What pushed you over the edge?
RILEY
I found out I was a test tube baby. I didn’t even get a womb with a view.
JERRY
So you started drinking.
RILEY
Yeah. But I still maintained a balanced diet. A Budweiser in each hand.
JERRY
Ever go to AA?
RILEY
You talkin about them batteries?
JERRY
No. Meetings for alcoholics, so they won’t drink.
RILEY
Nah. I get my high from politics and watchin soap operas on the tube. Even though I’m an anti-Vaxxer, I wear a mask when I tune into General Hospital. Don’t want any of them actors sneezin on me.
JERRY
(laughs) Like it comes out of your TV.
RILEY
Of course, it can. A friend of mine died from a TV sneeze. She bit off more than she could achoo.
JERRY
Let’s get back to your campaign. What’s your next stop?
RILEY
I’ll be in Fairbanks talkin about why Climate Change is a hoax. Even the Antarctic ice sheets think it’s a joke. They’re crackin up.
JERRY
Do you know what causes Climate Change?
RILEY
Yeah. Someone lit a dinosaur on fire. It’s in the Bible. I believe in the Book of Fools.
RILEY
Hey, Duncan. I’m so excited. I gotta heavyweight comin here to campaign for me.
JERRY
I only know one heavyweight. Chris..
RILEY
Yep. Chris Christy. How I got him is “a whale of a tale.”
JERRY
You claim to know the Bible. Isn’t he the dude that swallowed Jonah?
RILEY
Chris is an inspiration for every fatso who can’t resist food. He thinks big.
JERRY
You mean bigger. Big is King Kong.
RILEY
Okay, wise guy. Is that a tire you’re wearin around your waist?
JERRY
(sarcastic) No. I swallowed Nancy Pelosi. Yeah, I’m a little overweight. So what?!
RILEY
Just sayin.
JERRY
Anything you want to tell my listeners before this interview ends?
RILEY
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
One ripped condom caused you.
JERRY
Thank you, Maya Angelou. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Looney Tunes’ Elmer Fudd - December 3, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Doctor Oz - November 25, 2024
- The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Donald Trump Post-Election - November 19, 2024