Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Volodymr Zelensky and President Vladimir Putin.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is is a good morning? Not at all. Today on the show my guests are the good Ukrainian President Volodymr Zelensky and the evil Russian President Vladimir Putin.
PRESIDENT VOLODYMR ZELENSKY
Putin war criminal!
VLADIMIR PUTIN
Nyet! No! Zelensky Nazi and drug dealer.
JERRY
You are a liar, Putty. Zelensky is Jewish and the only one on drugs is you.
ZELENSKY
He invade my country. Blow up kindergarten.
JERRY
Why Putty? You’re a monster.
PUTIN
I hate kindergarten. Teacher put me in corner for pee on floor.
JERRY
Was it an accident?
PUTIN
No accident. I like being bad boy. Watch kids scream as piss flow.
ZELENSKY
He also blow up water and electricity plant in cities. People have no drink or heat in Ukraine.
PUTIN
Who care? I go skiing tomorrow. Can’t be bother with stupid complaint.
JERRY
The United States and Europe are going to ruin the Russian economy with crippling sanctions. And it’s working. The ruble is worth less than a penny.
PUTIN
Have plenty of reserve. When Republican elected president in 2024, sanctions lifted. I win. Trumpster say I genius. He never lie.
JERRY
Only 50,000 times. But who’s counting?
ZELENSKY
You just like President of Belarus Alexander Lukashenko.
PUTIN
He my evil twin. We share loot stolen from you banks. Alexander let Russian troop invade from Belarus.
JERRY
Hey, Putin. What did Russian people light their houses with before they started with candles?
PUTIN
Don’t know.
JERRY
Electricity.
ZELENSKY
(laughs) I got better one. How does every Russian joke start?
JERRY
No clue.
ZELENSKY
By looking over shoulder.
Jerry and Zelensky laugh.
PUTIN
Not funny. It fact.
JERRY
Zelensky. Your country is being invaded by 200,000 Russian troops. What are Ukrainians supposed to do?
ZELENSKY
We have nothing to fear, except fear itself. And of course Russian. I say take vacation early.
JERRY
Folks. His comic survival instincts kicked in.
PUTIN
Zelensky not funny. His TV show suck.
ZELENSKY
No, I win Ukrainian Emmy for best comedy. You only laugh at people being killed.
PUTIN
Da, yes. But that get me role of Freddy Kreuger in new film A Nightmare on Kremlin Street. Director say I have “killer instinct.”
JERRY
Ukraine is a democracy. You invaded a sovereign nation.
PUTIN
Na na na na na. Finder keeper, loser weeper.
JERRY
I will try being peacemaker. Apparently, the Short and Shorter comedy tour failed.
ZELENSKY
He steal my lines.
PUTIN
I not steal lines. Just silence you.
JERRY
Here’s the deal. Putin withdraws all troops from Ukraine and gets 10 free mail order brides. Zelensky gets 10 free tickets to the Moscow Circus.
PUTIN
And United States need to Free Willy whale.
JERRY
He was freed, you idiot.
PUTIN
Sorry. Not watch end of movie.
JERRY
Do we have a deal?
ZELENSKY AND PUTIN
Da! Yes! We try again.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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