[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘It’s kind of like Bain,’ says Romney, ‘hollow out and move in’
Failing to succeed with a snail strategy, Gov. Mitt Romney has resorted to acting like a terrestrial hermit crab.
Scientists recently discovered that the terrestrial hermit crab is the only animal that socializes solely to lure another crab out of its larger mini-mansion shell so that it can steal it, move in and immediately redecorate.
Romney obviously read about this in Science Daily, which explains why he was so uncharacteristically agreeable during the last debate.
Obama: “I think we should take every cent out of the hands of the rich and give it all to the poor.”
Romney: “You know, I agree with the president. In fact, I wish we could just sit down in the White House and talk things over, all friendly like.”
The next week the Republican candidate began lurking outside the White House until Obama felt sorry for him and let him in.
“Thanks, Barack,” Romney said as he entered. “Gosh this is a nice place.”
As the two were having lunch, Romney suddenly pointed out the window.
“Barack!” he said. “I think Bo is making do-do in the Rose Garden!”
As Obama rushed to admonish the First Dog, Romney closed and locked the doors behind him and began working his way into every room in the White House.
“This is mine, all mine!” Romney said. “Mine, mine, mine!”
Then the Secret Service swooped down on him and one of them held him in a headlock.
“I’m almost the president!” Romney gasped. “You might have to start protecting me next week!”
“The hell we will,” said one of the officers. Romney looked up to see four of the largest black men he’d ever seen.
“Well, hey fellows,” Romney said. “I, I, I just told my good friend Barack about his dog taking a poo out in the Rose Garden and he just rushed out, but not before he said I should make myself at home!”
Obama appeared a few minutes later.
“Bo wasn’t in the Rose Garden, Mitt.”
“Darn,” Romney thought, since his religion doesn’t allow him to think, “Damn.”
“Oh, just let him go,” Obama said.
Romney lifted his head in a crab-like way and said, “Well, boys, I mean fellas, thanks. And Barack, can we play bridge next week, say on Monday, Nov. 5?”
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