[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Helen Sewickly from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is resting comfortably in Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Memorial Hospital after receiving cuts and lacerations while opening a gift box she received from her sister Hermoine from Hershey. A family spokesperson says that the box was packed so tight that when the packing tape was removed from the top, the contents of the box sprang up into Helen’s face causing non-life-threatening injuries.
“Hermoine has always prided herself for getting the most things in the smallest amount of space. I remember a couple of summers ago she was moving some of her things into a storage unit over at Honest Abe’s Store ‘n More, and even Abe couldn’t believe how much stuff that girl stuffed into his smallest unit, a 3 x 5 ft. space. “Who knew mattresses could bend like that.”
Winnie Spurlock, a family friend who happened to be visiting Helen, shook her head in agreement. “I remember when the Post Office came up with those pre-priced priority shipping boxes,” said Winnie.
“Hermoine even came up with a jingle for them that went something like: ‘If it fits, it ships…’”
“That’s the rhyme from the commercial you ding-a-ling,” said Helen as she wiped a bit of dribble from her lacerated lip.
Ms. Swickly is expected to spend another day in the hospital for observation but is otherwise expected to make a full recovery and make it back home in time for Christmas.
Meanwhile, her brother, Herbert has been notified not to take any chances. His gift box from Hermoine is tucked away in a corner of his garage until he gets the go ahead from his sister that it is safe to open.
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