[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Dream Derriere” is Kim Kardashian’s new venture
Kim Kardashian’s new economic venture has literally turned around to bite her in her sizable butt.
Her new company, Dream Derriere, offered a scientific breakthrough for the anatomically challenged. Scientists working in Kanye and Kim’s basement extracted DNA from Kim’s maximal gluteus maximus and used it to create an injectable that would replicate the size and contours of the celebrity’s back side. An injection a day for 30 days directly into consumer’s buttocks promises an exact replica of Kim Kardashian’s famous butt.
Dream Derriere’s advertisements claim, “It’s a cosmetic enhancement, not a drug,” so you can buy it conveniently at Bloomingdales without the Food and Drug Administration interfering.
There was such demand, that the first batch ran out in just three hours and production had to be ramped up. Members of Kim and Kanye’s fan clubs were hired to help expand the manufacture, and it may have been here that problems arose.
At first Ms. Kardashian received glowing tweets about her product, as derrieres began to blossom and grow. To accommodate the new proportions, Kim Kardashian quickly came out with a line of clothing labeled Zero Plus, a zero size top with room for the enhanced behind.
But unexpected side effects began to surface. Some of the consumers noticed that the rapid buttock growth encouraged the development of large areas of cellulite. The company quickly sent out a press release indicating that what appeared to be cellulite was really a netting made of tissue meant to keep the buttocks firm and in place. Customers with dimpled rear ends were not convinced.
Some with enhanced rear ends got wedged in theater seats or chairs with arm rests. In one day alone, there were fifty 911 calls to fire rescue to dislodge Kim’s customers. Because there were no age restrictions on purchasing the product, it became a new fad among teenage girls. Additional school buses needed to be assigned as the affected girls now took up two seats.
Dream Derriere has temporarily suspended production to allow Kim Kardashian’s black and blue bottom to heal in preparation for extractions in the next production round.
Diane de Anda
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