[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“Hey, it’s good for business,” says NRA spokesman
Statistics show that whenever there is a gun-related mass murder by a mentally ill individual or group, gun sales go up, probably out of fear that they will be outlawed. Because of this, gun manufacturers have started pushing the NRA to get more guns into the hands of as many psychopaths as possible.
It reads as follows:
“LaPierre! Get off your sweet NRA tush and start a new campaign. We want to get as many guns into the hands of nut cases as possible. Business is slumping now that everyone has forgotten the Connecticut shootings. The Batman movie shooting guy is already old news. We need to get the bucks rolling in again. My family hasn’t had a vacation in three months and my mistress is howling for a new Prius.”
“We’ve already got half the Congressmen by the balls, so they will go along with whatever we want, even if we wanted to whore their own mothers. The general public will be a tougher pull, but we know how to stimulate them into action like they were Pavlov‘s poodle.”
“Here is the slant I’d like the NRA to take with the campaign: ‘Psycho’s need guns too, to protect themselves.’ Play up the idea that no one has any respect for nutcases, but they are human too. They too have feelings. They too are covered by the Second Amendment. Play up their human side. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris at Columbine were picked on by the jocks. John Holmes at the Batman shootings was rejected from the University and got jilted by his girlfriend. The Sandy Hook kid grew up without a father. The guy who shot Gabriele Gifford lost his job and was considered nuts by everyone because … well … because he really was nuts. We’ll play up the sympathy angle; you can even find something humane about Satan if you try hard enough.”
“So get on this NOW! We are losing money by the minute! I want this new NRA campaign up and out on the streets by Friday! Schnell, schnell!!! Arriba, arriba!!!”
LaPierre, obeying the ones who hold his leash, immediately got his disinformation and propaganda crew out of bed and into their cubicles on the project. The first ad was ready to go by Thursday (it is amazing how fear of losing your job and intimidation motivates people). It ran like this: “John Houser, the Louisiana theater shooter was always picked on as a kid. He grew up an outsider. Alone, uncared for. Is it any wonder he wandered into ethnic hatred? Paranoia? Disregard for authority? Houser needed a gun. Many guns. Everyone does. Don’t deny John Houser his right by law. By the Second Amendment. It’s your right. It’s everyone’s right. Even if you are nuts.”
“Support the Second Amendment. Go out and buy a gun today. Buy several. And buy one for that neighbor who lives in his basement across the street and watches conspiracy documentaries and orders strange packages through the mail and spies on the girls playing in the back yard. He’s an American too. He’s also human too … at least some of the time.”
Latest posts by Roger Freed (see all)
- Trump’s List of Things to Do on His First Day in Office - January 16, 2017
- The Machiavellian Guide to Becoming President - January 13, 2017
- Fresh, Hot Donald Trump Memes – Straight Out of the Oven! - January 8, 2017
Like this content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!