[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Metal Gear Mullah: Taliban Leader Found Dead

Taliban fighter evades capture, but succumbs to gaming addiction

Dec 1st, 2001 — the date Mullah Mohammad Omar fled Kandahar, Afghanistan’s second-largest city, on the back of his donkey named Kurt. As the Taliban’s supreme commander and social outings organizer, Mullah’s decision to fade into anonymity has had a heavy impact on the radically militant Islamic movement. And now, shockingly, recent reports suggest he is dead.

talibanBusy eluding pursuers, many wonder how Mullah managed to stave off boredom. Well, considering the 55-year-old was found dead in a cave in Tora Bora after a marathon three-day gaming binge, the answer is clear.

Mohammad, nicknamed “Metal Gear Mullah,” entered the hole almost fourteen years ago. With little else to do, in addition to binge watching episodes of Friends, 24, Smallville and Six Feet Under, Mullah developed an unhealthy obsession for online gaming. According to reports, his masseuse recently found him motionless and sprawled on the floor, headset in hand.

Dr. Brian Conrad, a psychologist and writer for TechAddiction.ca, said, “If you happen to read the numerous research and media stories on video game addiction, you could be forgiven for believing that it’s only something that harms teenage boys and single men in their twenties. Unfortunately though, many people just like Mulla find themselves addicted to video games. It really doesn’t matter if you are living in Beverly Hills or a cave in Afghanistan.”

It is not known exactly how long Mullah lay dead in his hole, but a close friend said his corpse had started to stiffen, “he was thrown on the ground, covered in empty bags of Doritos, wearing nothing but his Super Mario underpants. I assume he died several hours before his body was discovered.” Commenting on the Taliban tech enthusiast, Dr. Conrad said, “it’s very likely that cold temperatures and over-exhaustion from the long hours of gaming dedication contributed to his death, I’m guessing cardiac arrest.”

The White House said it had no reason to believe that the reports of Omar’s death were false. US intelligence is now investigating them.

“The Taliban is no stranger to deaths from marathon sessions of online gaming, especially when members are forced to go in to hiding, having very little else to distract themselves from the daily monotonies of cave life. In 2012, for example, League of Legends claimed the lives of twelve Taliban members. Shocking, just shocking.” said Dr. Conrad.

John Glynn