[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Lab Penis’ facility says request is not unique but its ‘aryan’ prescription ‘is unsual’
WINSTON-SALEM, NC — The Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine, which specializes in fake dicks, false pussies and “last stop” genital reconstruction, confirmed today that it had received a “mysterious order” for “a single Aryan testicle” from an anonymous South American address.
The announcement immediately fueled speculation that the customer might be Mr Adolf Hitler, the former German fuehrer who notoriously suffered from cryptorchidism, or only one testicle.
Mr Hitler mysteriously vanished at the end of World War II with his mistress Eva Braun. Some Nazi hunters speculate that they are still hiding out in the Amazonian jungle.
Recently discovered records of a medical exam following his arrest after the failed Beer hall putsch in 1923, show that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, or an undescended right testicle.
Long thought to have been lost, the records surfaced at an auction in Bavaria in 2010.
The Fuehrer’s condition was an open secret in Nazi Germany. He himself claimed that he lost his manhood to shrapnel during World War I. However, Dr Josef Steiner Brin, the medical officer at Landsberg prison in 1923, noted that this was “all a lot of balls, or actually none. He was lopsided.”
Normally, testicles descend from inside the body to the scrotum during childhood, but the German newspaper Bild noted that one of Mr Hitler’s testicles was “probably stunted.”
The Fuehrer’s unfortunate condition was popularly celebrated during World War II in a version of Colonel Bogey, known as the ‘Bridge Over the River Kwai’ song, ‘Itler As Only Got One Ball.”
The follow-up line, ‘Immler as something simmler’ appears not to have been true, nor was it the case that “pore ole Goebbels as got none at all.” Goebbels and Immler had several children between them.
“While single-testicle orders are by no means unusual,” said Dr Anthony Atala, the Peruvian-born head of the 300-strong team at the Institute, “what is different here is the request for an ‘Aryan’ prosthetic.
“We have no idea what that means, but will be decorating the object with blond fur and a tiny swastika. They can always send it back if they don’t like it.”
Interpol, the Israeli government, the FBI and the Russian state police had all subpoenaed the address data and were putting together a joint international task force.
“Maybe their SWAT team can make the delivery for us,” said Dr Atala. “Though I’ve got an idea he’s gonna need a whole new set of Aryan gonads and a refurbished scrotum by the time they’re finished with him.”
Dr Atala added, pushing a catalog across his desk: “By the way, we have a great new line in reconditioned scrota, and an updated foreskin restoration program, if you’re interested.”
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