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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Flint to Turn Lead from Water Crisis into Pencils, Bullets

Jan 192016
 By , January 19, 2016

Excess lead could also be used in bullets for local police handling Flint water riots

FLINT, MI — After recent controversy regarding toxic levels of lead in the water supply, local legislators are finding ways to turn the crisis into opportunity.

Water, Rick Snyder, Flint, Michigan“This could be used to help reduce our budget in a wide variety of ways,” claimed city counselor Howard Johnson.

“For example, our schools have little funding for basic supplies such as pencils,” said Johnson. “We can easily take lead from the water and use it to make pencils, we could even use the revenue to raise teachers’ salaries, but we definitely won’t.”

Johnson also revealed proposed plans to turn the excess lead into bullets for local law enforcement.

“I use a lot of bullets on a regular basis,” said Police Union representative Harry Callahan stated.

“My men need to be able to use their bullets without fear of running out,” said Callahan. “We fire a lot of rounds at a lot of people.”

Callahan said a larger budget for the police department would benefit the community as the money flows into local businesses.

Sales have declined by over 50 percent at Flint’s Krispy Kreme due to law enforcement’s tightening budget.

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