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Trump Agrees to Lie Detector Test… Maury Povich Scores a ‘HUUUGE’ Get!

Jul 222017
 
 By , July 22, 2017

lie detector

trump lie detector

Not only did Trump say he’d testify under oath, but now that he has received a private tutorial, he’s even agreed to take a Lie Detector Test!

That’s right — the Internet not only shows us how to make a baby and a bomb; it also shows us how to beat a Polygraph (Lie Detector) Test.  And, that’s exactly where Trump went for advice.

FRANK

Frank’s not my real name — but you’re the one taking the test, aren’t you? Ha ha. You know why you’re here today?

TRUMP

To learn how to lie good.

FRANK

Lie well – did you really go to Wharton?

DONALD

Is there someone else…

FRANK

No, let’s get started.  Only the person who is nervous about every answer will appear the most truthful on a test.  The more often you tell the truth, the more accurate the results will be.

DONALD

You’re confusing the hell out of me!

 

FRANK

Just so you know — PTSD flashbacks at the wrong time effects a test.

DONALD

I’ll keep that in mind as my time in Nam was horrific!

You weren’t in the military.

DONALD

I wasn’t?  Then I’ll just say ‘my marriages’!

FRANK

Oh, this is key.  When the test is over — don’t say anything like ‘I hope you’ll find these are good answers — otherwise don’t show up on Monday’!

DONALD

My lips are sealed.

FRANK

There are relevant questions, irrelevant questions & control questions.  Look at me – not the shiny door knob, okay?  For you — a control question might be:

How do you really feel about your son, Eric?

Where would you go if you took Ivanka on a Date?

And, where do you live — the White House, Mar-a-Lago, any idea?

DONALD

What are you – a comedian?

FRANK

A relevant question might be: Have you ever wanted to press the Nuclear button just to see if  it works?

DONALD

Well, after Comey testi…

FRANK

I meant to tell you – say only what you need to.

DONALD

Well, sometimes, I need to — that’s why I tweet.

FRANK

Oh, I forgot — they’re gonna take your phone away.

DONALD

No — I sleep with the phone.  How about if  I put it on vibrate?

No, you can take it out to lunch after the test.

An irrelevant question might be: ‘Do you know how many slices of Trump Chocolate Cake are left in the White House kitchen now’?

DONALD

Well, I just…

FRANK

See, that’s a Tell and you have icing on your mouth!

Oh, and make sure you conceal any knowledge of polygraphy, ever talking to me or  reading this article.

DONALD

Polygraphy?  I don’t need that to feel sexy – everything works!

FRANK

Please, put it way – I believe you!

Just so you know, Polygraph results are no longer admissible as evidence in legal trials — so, if someone’s found guilty despite being innocent – it won’t be because of a lie detector.

DONALD

So, it’s Curtains?

FRANK

I don’t know about that — but The Gotti Suite has a bidet!

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Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands is a former 80's Stand-Up Comic who started out in the DC/MD/VA area, moved to the Bay Area in Northern California and now resides in L.A. She has sold jokes to Joan Rivers, lesser lights and gag magazines, and is a screenwriter, playwright and author of non-fiction.
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