[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

In the Spirit of Total Equality, California First State to Demand Male Residents Develop Menstrual Cycles

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Following a statewide education program, men will have several options as to how to acquire their own menstrual cycles.

In its drive for total equality between the sexes, the California State Assembly yesterday passed a bill known as the “California State Manstrual Cycle Law.” It states that by the year 2025, all male residents between the ages of 18-50 must develop menstrual cycles — in their case, to be dubbed the “Manstrual Cycle.”

Menstrual Cycles, California Legislature
California Legislature. Photo by Anne Wernikoff, CalMatters.

The project will be overseen by Dr. Roxanne Salte-Peter, head of the UCN (Universal Castration Network) and former lead singer of the pioneering punk rock band The Switchblade Pussys and Dr. O. B. Testes of Gonads for Justice.

Following a statewide education program, men will have several options as to how to acquire their menstrual cycles. One option is a series of 32 hormone shots to the groin area. Another is a one-time Atomic Laser Infusion, and a third allows a man to drink the hormone solution — roughly an amount equal to 13 cases of beer. All “Manstrual Cycles” will be synchronized to occur at the same time.

Dr. Salte-Peter explains that while she is in charge of the program, she thinks it’s a bad idea

“Men on the rag is a bad idea. Men simply aren’t built for the rigors of menstration. They can’t handle it. They will all take off from work during their manstrations and the murder rate will increase by 800 percent,” she said.

She stated that the new law will be an economic boon, opening the door to new lines of Manstrual Cycle products, such as “Bud Lite and Jack Daniels douches, NFL team tampons and maxi pads.”

The cost of the Manstrual Cycle treatments is yet to be determined, but will be covered by a new state tax on condoms, X rated films and hookers.

SNN Words to Live By

“You talk about women / That’s all I crave / I believe, I believe they’ll take me to my grave.” — Dr. Feelgood and The Interns “Dr. Feelgood” song.

“There never was a horse that couldn’t be rode… or a cowboy that couldn’t be throwed.” — Jeff McCloud (played by Robert Mitchum) in The Lusty Men (a 1952 film).

Ted Holland