Herschel Walker: Jerry Duncan Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews NFL star Herschel Walker and boxing champ Mike Tyson.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are former NFL star Herschel Walker and boxing champ Mike Tyson.

Herschel Walker Public Domain — Herschel Walker, Public Domain.

JERRY

Good morning, guys.

MIKE TYSON

(speech impediment) Can I do my Buckwheat impwession?

JERRY

Sure.

TYSON

(impression) I want dat candy. Otay?

JERRY

You are deranged, Mikey. I better alert Bellevue Mental Hospital to see if there’s a bed open.

JERRY

How are you doing, Herschel?

HERSCHEL WALKER

I’m depressed.

JERRY

Why?

WALKER

I thought my girlfriend was cheating after I found a text on her phone this morning. Fortunately, she’s not. It’s still the same guy.

JERRY

You’re 60 years old. Running as a Republican for Georgia Senator in 2022.

WALKER

Yeah. I’m up against Senator Rapper Warthog.

JERRY

You mean Raphael Warnock.

WALKER

That’s the dude.

JERRY

Unlike you, he’s an honorable man. A pastor at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta.

WALKER

Here’s a fact, Duncan. Do you know why Ebenezer Baptist congregants love reindeer?

JERRY

Because of Santa Claus?

WALKER

No. Every buck is dear to them.

JERRY

You had your head kicked in too many times playing football. Just sayin.

TYSON

What do you mean my buddy isn’t honowable?

JERRY

He lied about his past.

TYSON

Hewschel lied? You mean it’s not twue he intwoduced Adam to Eve? Had mo #1 hits than the Beatles, Elvis and the Wolling Stones combined? Wote Hamilton?

WALKER

Okay. I exaggerated. But I worked for the Cobb County Police Department and was an FBI agent.

JERRY

Turned out to be false.

TYSON

Jiminy Cwicket. And I thought I was bad when I bit off pawt of Evander Hollyfield’s ear.

JERRY

Well. Here’s a fact. Both of you voted for Trump.

TYSON

I have wegwets. Twumpster said he would make me Ambassador to the Moon. Didn’t happen. He lied.

JERRY

Only 50,000 times and counting. Anyway, wouldn’t have worked. You have a criminal record. Arrested 38 times by the age of 13. Even more assaults as you got older.

TYSON

Big deal. I knocked out 44 fightews out of 58 fights. I’m the undisputed WBA champ.

WALKER

I’m a winner, too.

JERRY

What are you talking about, Hershey bar? You failed in several businesses stiffing investors. Took $180,000 in PPP loans during COVID, then mocked the program during your Senate campaign. Physically abused and threatened your wife Cindy by pointing a gun to her head. Got an endorsement from the Trumpster, because you promoted “the big lie” about election fraud in the 2020 election.

WALKER

Beautiful. Now I understand why I’m the poster boy for birth control.

TYSON

I’m going stwaight, Duncan. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Amewica, and to the Wepublican for which it stands…

TYSON

Can’t think of the west, but God bless Amewica.

JERRY

Mikey. Point your index finger to your head and tell me the abbreviation for mountain.

TYSON

(points finger to his temple) M T.

JERRY

That’s right. Empty.

JERRY

Mike Tyson and Herschel Walker everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.