[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Supernatural Crisis in the Anti-Abortion Movement

Satan joins the anti-abortion movement, causing a major conflict for religious believers.

An anonymous source has leaked information to this reporter of a major crisis among several leaders of the anti-abortion movement. It appears that Satan was so pleased with their success that he visited and impregnated several of the movement’s leading and most vociferous advocates.

anti-abortion movement, antichrist
Antichrist baby in “The Passion of Christ.”

Because these women oppose abortion based on their strong religious beliefs, they are now completely conflicted. As religious individuals, they do not want to carry and give birth to a demon child. But, because the unborn was conceived from a human ova, and they argue that the unborn “baby” is a person with the right to life from the moment of conception, logically, abortion would not be not an option. They now concede that they may be forced to bring evil into the world.

They called a secret meeting of the membership to discuss the options. The argument that they were impregnated without consent was not viable, because they have taken the position that abortion cannot be allowed in cases of rape and incest as it is still murder. Another position was that since Satan is not human, the unborn is not really human, so the charge of murder would not apply. However, it was pointed out that it is a hybrid, and the devil had made sure it took a human form as verified by the ultrasounds. If the ultrasound photos were leaked, it would kill the movement’s credibility.

One of the women shocked the group when she revealed that she had already had a D&C for her “fibroids.” As the others gasped, she yelled, “It’s easy to judge when it’s not happening to you,” and left the room.

Marjorie Dannenfelser, the force behind the Susan B. Anthony List anti-abortion campaign, then revealed a supernatural event that she had recently experienced. The organization’s namesake, Susan B. Anthony, had materialized two nights ago in her home. She chased Ms. Dannenfelser throughout her house whacking her on the head with a protest sign that read “Protect All Women’s Rights.” Ms. Dannenfelser reported that Ms. Anthony insisted that using her name was a blasphemy on her life’s work for women’s rights that she would not tolerate. The next day Susan B. Anthony’s name mysteriously disappeared from signage on the building and all the organization’s stationery and other materials.

Since the organization’s historian could find no previous events to serve as guidelines, the meeting adjourned to watch “Rosemary’s Baby.”

Diane de Anda