[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Supreme Court Rules Covid Critics Can Toss “Fauci Elf” Dolls in Potomac River

After Ron DeSantis said someone should “chuck him across the Potomac,” little Fauci elf dolls have been meeting just that fate.

The conservative-dominated Supreme Court ruled Covid critics have a constitutional right to toss “little Fauci elf” dolls into and across the Potomac River.

Fauci elf
“Fauci elf” dolls can be tossed into the river, says Supreme Court.

Immediately controversial, the case landed at the nation’s highest court after critics started “sacrificing” elf dolls this week.  Protesters acted after Florida Governor Ron DeSantis derided Dr. Anthony Fauci, who announced he is retiring after decades of government service.

“Someone needs to grab that little elf and chuck him across the Potomac,” DeSantis told a Sunshine State audience this week.  The crowd, with no hate in their hearts, roared their approval.

In a 6 to 3 emergency decision, the Court announced the federal Environmental Protection Agency could not fine little elf chuckers for polluting the historic American waterway.  The EPA acted after some of the elf dolls didn’t make it across to the other side.  Instead, they landed in the water, “contaminating” it.

But the Federalist Society majority on the Court saw things differently.

The Court majority stated, “Covid critics have a constitutional right to despise Dr. Anthony Fauci.  They can hang him in effigy.  They can protest outside his house.  And they can float, drown and toss look-alike Fauci elf dolls in free American rivers.”  The opinion added, “George Washington built his home on the Potomac River.  Nowadays, American patriots are taking a stand against Faucian Medical Dystopia.  Who needs tea when you’ve got elf dolls?”

The quick decision prompted an equally swift response from a legal observer.  “This is the same Supreme Court that ruled Donald Trump has a constitutional right to flush national security secrets down the toilet.”  The observer added, “Our system is rigged, corrupted and polluted.”

Steve Schneider